Big news

I'm going back to school. Very soon. I start on January 9th.

I'm going to attend the Jerrylee Beauty College and prepare for my state license in manicuring with the required 400 hour course. There are several motives for this new direction. Firstly, it would be nice to have some skill that I can use part time and pay for the kid's schooling. Secondly, nails are a lot of fun. What really got me motivated was seeing J's grandparent's feet. They have been so woefully neglected and thus really uncomfortable for them both.

I have a crazy idea about trying to start a nonprofit group to provide nail care for seniors. But, I need my license first. Wish me well, and send all the good luck vibes you can spare.

30 days results

It's actually been closer to 45 days now and it's gone very well. I've definitely noticed an increase in my energy level and I just feel better overall. I haven't had any RA flareups which is a great improvement. I plan to keep up the five servings of fruit or vegetables a day indefinitely.

I talk big...

but when push came to shove, I went back to Best Buy for Ian's present.

Since I forgot to mention this last night

Best Buy is like hell with fewer preschoolers.

I've never been inside one before but I was trying to find a cd player for Lily. She lives for music. Thus, we ventured to Best Buy.

Never. Ever. Again.

Mountains of lameness

We went out to Taco Bell for dinner. I ordered my usual spicy chicken burrito and shared Lily's nacho cheese and chips. Completely spaced on needing to have two servings of veggies or fruits. Doh! I had to come home and eat oranges since they were the only thing really handy.

Now, I'm trying to remember if they even *sell* fruits or veggies at Taco Bell. According to the Taco Bell website my choices include:

Caramel Apple Empanada
290 cal
15g fat

Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes
290 cal
18g fat

Fiesta Taco Salad
810 cal
46g fat

I think I'll stick with my oranges.

Day Four

The fruit and veggie thing is going reasonably well. The only downside so far is that I don't have time to eat junk food much and I've gained 4 pounds. The weight gain is especially strange since my clothes seem to still fit the same. Overall, I am feeling like I have much more energy.

Funny things Lilys say

"Mom! There's a weed in my soup!"

Oh, that was priceless.

30 days

Anyone a Morgan Spurlock fan?

My brother got me started on the 30 days series a few months back. Very interesting, excepting the Binge Drinking Mom episode which was just awful and had no closure at all for that poor mom and her daughter.

But, I've been considering doing my own 30 days. I suppose it's fairly pedestrian but I've been on a Spark People team for a while now and have been tracking what I've been eating regularly. I seem to do just fine with the whole grains and beans and all that, but I'm definitely lacking in the veggies and fruits category. So, off I go onto my adventure of 30 days of 5 a day with the veggies and fruits.

Wish me luck.

Score at the Salvation Army!

J and I have been wanting to try making Turkish coffee for a while. I saw an ibrik a few months back at the SA and didn't buy it because I it looked familiar but I wasn't sure it was what I was looking for. I haven't seen any since then until today when I found a brass one for a dollar! It just made my day.

It's gonna be a long year

Lily is three.

Anyone who has/had a three year old daughter knows a secret. They are *insane*. Bossy. Obnoxious. Know-it-alls. To top it off, she's also a brute. Perhaps, though, that comes from being little sister to a big brother. It would be so nice if we could just mute all the screaming parts for the next year.

I've heard crazy talk coming out of her mouth. Crazy talk that came out of Ian's mouth when he was three. Verbatim. I kid you, not. She wasn't even a gleam in my eye then, so she can't possibly have learned it from him. It's even more unlikely considering the fact that all that crazy talk magically disappeared when he turned four.

Highlights of the last 2 days

Today:

scrubbed the disgusting shower out
vacuumed
cleaned the carpets
made pizza dough and pizza
made breadsticks for later in the month
made cereal packets to speed the mornings
found a brown nugget on the kitchen table (Yes, it was what you're thinking it was. Potty training sucks.)
neighborhood stray cat attempted to gain asylum from the rain in the house by means of the open door
aforementioned cat perched upon the a/c unit by the window and let me know what it thought of me since I wouldn't let it in

Yesterday:

Lily screamed and whined most of the day
bills got paid
mom came to visit
mom didn't leave to go to work
had to ask mom to go home so i could get some peace and quiet
Ian forgot half of his homework

I'm ready for the weekend. I still need to clean the bathrooms and the mess in the garage.

Halloween goodness!

Lily gets it this year. The getting candy part. She was hilarious with the trick or treating.

We're all watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. There are large bags of candy on the counter just waiting for the "parent tax" to be assessed.

Life is good.

Cracking me up

Picture Lily, in the tub, playing with her Hello Kitty bath toys. She's walking them down her leg when she suddenly lets go and they sink to the bottom. Turning to me, she deadpans, "Oh. The kitties are drowned."

Maybe you had to be there...

Overheard at Costco today

Me: Another baby would be so sweet and cute. Can't we have another one?

DH: No.

Me: Can I have an iPod instead?

DH: Yes.

(Editor's Note: I didn't get an iPod. I bought a new North Face vest and jacket and ear warmers instead.)

Good times, good times

My brother flew in from North Carolina to surprize the kids for their birthdays. Ian turns seven today and Lily turns three on Thursday. They were so surprised. :)

We had a nice party for them with all the family on Saturday and TWO cakes! We decorated Lily's side of the dining room with Hello Kitty and Ian's side was Star Wars. My brother did the decorations and they turned out really well. It was wonderful to have a full house of family.

So, it's been busy busy busy around here for the last bit. Mom and I almost blew the surprise several times by slipping up in front of the kids but they never caught on. I can't believe that we've known since September and managed to keep it quiet. Ray will be here all day tomorrow and then he leaves on the morning of Halloween. I think that will be for the best since it will keep Ian distracted.

We're off to the parish Halloween festival tonight. How funny is that?

Out of the mouths of babes

Overheard in the car on the way to REI today:

"Lily! You can't see germs because they're *MICROSCOPIC*!"

Doing the new fridge dance

J and I finally committed and bought a new refrigerator today. Woo HOO!

The one we have is 16 years old and the water and ice dispenser is broken and one of the shelves just bit the dust this week. It's started making strange and disturbing noises on occasion, as well. So I've done weeks of research and narrowed it down to two models, a side-by-side (which is what we've always had) and a new french door model. Ultimately, we went with the Kenmore Elite Trio with the water dispenser in the door but the ice in the freezer since none of us use ice much anyway. I was a little concerned about losing freezer space but then I noticed that if we need more, you can get a 5 cu. ft. one for $160. I don't think it's really an issue, though.

Interestingly, I was doing some math last night. I cook just about all our meals here at home. If we go out for dinner, we usually end up spending at least $25 or so. Multiply that out by 52 weeks. Voila! There's the money to pay for the new fridge. See, math *is* useful.

Blond haired, blue eyed devil

That's our Lily. I forgot how wretched age three is with kids. Ian was a nightmare at this age and Lily is quickly morphing into a biting, screaming, tantruming, rude little beastie. She's so cute and so evil. She and Ian are devoted to each other and they bicker as though they are the same age. I'm glad they adore each other, though. My brother and I are that way, too.

Poor Ian is sick and feverish. He came home from school yesterday feeling crummy. He briefly perked up this morning but I can see him wilting on the sofa now while watching Star Wars.

Time to head back out to the ivy jungle in the backyard and do some work.

One more load

That's all I have left. I'll be officially caught up on laundry. Sign me up for that Domestic Goddess crown, will ya? I should have made brownies for the washing machine man.

It's fixed!

It works! It works! It works!!!!!

The washing machine man

He's supposed to be here today, sometime between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m. It's 9:10 a.m. now and there's nary a sight of him. If he manages to get this washer fixed today, he will be my favorite person in the whole world. I have somewhere near *8* loads of laundry to do. I have a backup plan, but I'm hoping not to have to use it. It's getting to be a serious drag, schlepping all this dirty laundry around.

Hurry, washing machine man!

The potty train has crashed

I am ready to let this kid go to college in Pampers. I'm not interested in changing *any* more pairs of smeared, stinking underwear. The odd thing is that she was fine the first few days. It's making me nuts, especially coupled with the lack of sleep.

I would like it noted that I managed to make it through the day today sans a nap. I'm feeling about ready to pass out now. Adding insult to injury, we don't have any new Netflix to watch tonight.

So. Very. Tired.

Strange sleeping issues

I'm intermittently having a sleep issue. I'll be ok for 2-3 days and then suddenly, I'll start waking up at three a.m. Nobody should have to see that time on a clock. Really. It's just awful. Then, I end up sleepy and out of sorts all day. It's not a pretty combination.

Yawn.

You know it was a bad dream when

It bugs you all day long. I woke up at some unholy hour from it and I guess I never really got back to sleep. Thus, it's been a funky day. I did manage to get my walk in and the house vacuumed so it wasn't a total waste but I fell asleep while Lily and I were hanging out this afternoon.

Did I mention that I forgot to make sure we had chicken when I put it on the menu for tonight? Yup. No chicken. Such a dork. Instead, we'll be having a delicious supper of tuna sandwiches. It's gourmet night, couldn't you tell?

Other interesting news from the recent past: I am the proud owner of an alarm clock and it plays NPR! There's nothing like waking up to a story about the political woes of the banana king versus the firebrand for leadership in Ecuador.

I managed for *many* years without one at all. In fact, I'm not even sure when I had one last. I think it must have been when we were living in Vancouver when I was still working. That puts it at over 8 years ago since it was definitely pre-Ian. Alas, I tired of waking up at night and never having any idea what time it was or whether I should just get up or try and go back to sleep.

Things I neglected to mention

The bed broke when J sat down on it. Funny if you were me instead of J. It took 3 bolts to fix it. All done now.

I'm down a size after working my butt off (literally) all summer. It was nice to buy smaller pants last week.

There's a big birthday surprise for the kids this year. I can't say what it is since they don't know yet. It's getting harder to not spill the beans every day.

Oh and the washing machine broke. It's been almost 10 days without the washer. They're supposed to be back on Wednesday with the parts to fix it. I certainly hope so. I don't think I can take hauling laundry to my MIL's house anymore. Not when Lily is in the middle of potty training.

The sound of silence

It's an amazing thing. The kids have been at Grandma's for two days. I can't believe the stillness in our house. It's never this quiet, not even when they are asleep.

Today was a busy day. J needed a haircut, the collapsed bed needed fixing, a walk needed to happen and we went out for dinner. And I had to dump out the contents of the kitchen trash can to fish for the lost spring that makes the flippy top do it's flippy thing. I wore gloves, the melon rinds had been in there a while.

Note to self: Chevy's enchiladas suck. They tasted like lasagna made with tortillas. Blech. I should have gone with the ribs (which are my favorite) but I cheaped out at the last minute. The beans and rice and chips and salsa were great.

Additionally note to self: Do not watch Roger and Me by Michael Moore on a night where the house will be quiet and give you time to think. It's too depressing. Battlestar Galactica is a much better choice. I am such a BG junkie now.

About what I said earlier

Yeah, just disregard all that. The natives were restless tonight. But, they are with grandma and grandpa for the weekend!

Conflicted

I just found out that two friends of mine are pregnant with their third children. All my (misplaced, I suppose) baby longings are in full swing. There are so many rational reasons *not* to have another baby. My health, needing a bigger car, future school expenses, my health, J's sanity, Lily's terrible threeness, my health, etc. Somehow none of that seems to really stack up against those baby pangs.

Did I mention Lily is potty training? For the first time in seven years, I won't need to carry a diaper bag soon. I won't need my baby carriers or the crib up at J's parent's house. She seems so big all of a sudden (aside from the fact that she *is* Amazongirl) and grown up. She's the same age Ian was when we were trying for her.

Am I insane to even mentally contemplate this?

The birthday bash week is fast approaching. Lily will be three on November 2nd and Ian will be seven on October 29th. Maybe we could squeeze in a Halloween baby in between them, eh? It must be the happy pills talking.

6 hours of cleaning later...

J was in the same state I was with my inflammatory post about J's parents and the church and the grandparents. I, however, am feeling quite reasonable about the whole situation now.

My mom came up with us on Saturday and she sat and chatted with J's grandma while J and I scrubbed floors and bathrooms and vacuumed and cleaned the upstairs carpets and washed windows. And really it was more like 12 hours of cleaning since it was both of us working full tilt for hours. It was a serious day of work.

I am now convinced that I will NEVER want a house bigger than our cute little 1200 sq. ft., 3 bed, 2 bath ranch that we're renting. I think I literally blocked out of my mind how long it takes to keep a 3000 sq. ft. house clean. I mean, we never had more than 2000 or so sq. ft. personally, but holy cow! The good news is that it's mostly cleaned up now and J's grandparents are very pleased.

J and my mom had an interesting viewpoint on my time spent up there every week. They said that perhaps no one else was stepping up to the plate because I'm there. Then again, SOMEBODY needs to be. When I was up there Wednesday, J's grandad's blood pressure was really low and he had been on the phone with the doctor and I was worried about leaving them at all. Mom also had a good suggestion regarding the laundry situation. Our little frontloader, AIO machine is sitting at J's parent's house right now. I'm going to ask J's grandma if she'd like us to bring it over so she won't have to try to manage the stairs.

Calmer now

I think part of what set me off today was that a friend connected the new Sacramento Temple's Rancho Cordova address with ours. She asked me to go see it for her. This, coupled with my MILs insistent invitations and the general "you're a reactivation project" vibe, I think has rubbed me a bit raw. Not that my friend would have ever intended it that way. I know she never would do that.

But, still the temple experience was a bit too "emperor's new clothes" and that has stuck with me for the past several years. Somehow, the temple also cemented itself in my head as an iconic image of the exclusivity in attendance and barrier between it's members and non-member relatives.

My secret religious views smack of anger and discontent and disillusionment with established religions in general. I don't think that religion is here for God. I think that it's here for us to find our way back and that different roads lead to that same place and that our differences (and similarities) are what shapes the path we choose. Whenever I heat the "God is bound by these laws" stuff, I'm always amazed that an omnipotent being would be so preoccupied about the details.

I guess I'm not cut out for this religion stuff.

I just want to scream

Every Wednesday, I drive an hour to spend the day with J's grandparents. The kids come with and generally have a great time. We drive another hour home and usually get back just in time to make dinner before J gets home.

I love J's grandparents and they need company badly. They are both over 80 and J's grandma is nearly blind and J's grandad can hardly make it up the stairs because he's so winded from his emphysema. Every week, I bring them some kind of baked yummy and I make lunch for everyone. It's an amazing opportunity that Ian and Lily have to spend time with them and it's really important to me that we do it.

The last few weeks, I've been noticing a downward trend in both of them. They're having a very difficult time keeping up with the house work and meals and it's worrying to me. Of course, I'm the only person who would notice since I'm the only person who visits them. Nevermind the fact that one of their sons lives the next driveway down and J's dad is 20 minutes away. I won't even get into that can of worms. It makes my blood pressure skyrocket just thinking about it. The thing that worries me most is that they feel abandoned but they're too proud to ask for the help that isn't being offered.

They joined the LDS church a year or so after J's parents joined and they all attend the same ward. J's dad is the executive secretary and J's mom teaches in primary. Every single minute that doesn't go towards work goes to the church. They share the same bishop, yet this problem continues on unaddressed. It makes me so angry to see that and to know how much it's hurting J's grandparents. J and I felt that we had to make a choice between leaving the church and serving our families. At every turn, we faced this kind of problem in Utah and we knew that it wouldn't be any better if we kept with it here. People SAY that the church is all about family but the personal nature of this and the experiences that we've gone through ourselves says something very different. I'm sure that this problem exists in every church but my experience is limited to Catholicism and the LDS church.

I have to stop now and tell J about it.

Divorce

J and I lost touch with some friends of ours while we were at BYU. We knew this couple fairly well back in the Intel days and we saw them socially fairly often until Alex decided to leave Intel and go back to school to pursue his PhD. Alex and Bethany were our "stable" married friends. Shortly after Alex and Bethany moved to Chicago, we moved to Utah and thus the huge 4 year gap since we had been in touch. J tracked Alex down via email and Alex called last night to say hi.

They divorced in December 2005.

I feel so sad about this. Up until this point, we haven't had any of our contemporaries go through this. J even warned me not to expect them to still be together. He reminded me that the statistics are 50/50 for most marriages.

I still feel stunned. And sad. Really sad. I mean, it could be us, right? Except that obviously it isn't us. They didn't have any children, so I suppose that's good? I just can't imagine no J in my life. At this moment, I have been his significant other for HALF of my life. We started dating when I was 15 and got married when I was 18. We've been through 12 years of marriage and two children together. He really is my other half. No J would be like no air, no heart beat, no nothing.

Ow Ow Ow

Ugh. My neck and head are killing me today.

I stayed up too late (which has become an epidemic problem lately) and I'm over tired and half asleep and super groggy and dizzy. I haven't made it out for our walk yet and I'm still in my pajamas which is extremely unlike me. I'm usually a "get dressed and get cracking" kind of girl. Sitting around in my jammies usually makes me feel depressed.

16 days until Ian goes back to school. We got all his school shopping done and he is armed with uniforms, and a backpack and new school shoes. I'm still having mixed feelings about it but it seems less freaky now that we've gotten that all out of the way. I think it eliminated the anxiety I was having over getting that task completed.

I need to get up and moving. I have to go to get milk and I need to take my walk. Getting....up....now.

Intuition or Paranoia?

I have this feeling. It's really bothering me. I couldn't say *why* I have this feeling. There isn't any reason for me to feel this way.

Yesterday, J and I worked over at Ian's school for the "before school opens" work party. We weeded and dug and hauled bark and weed whacked (is that even a word?). At one point, Ian's soccer coach asked me how I felt about Ian's first year. This horrible feeling of dread/anxiety/stress about knocked me over. I'm worried about sending him back to school. I don't know why and that part is bugging me. I know his teacher and I like and trust her. In fact, I know most of the staff and they're all very talented and compassionate individuals.

But, there is this kid. He was in Ian's class at the beginning of the year before we moved him into the kindergarten class. He was sort of outside the realm of normal, IMO. He demanded that Ian give him some of his lunch and just generally took advantage of him. Ian thought that was what "friends" do. It's not and the teacher addressed it but there were a few other instances that left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

I've just got a bad feeling about this and I can't seem to shrug it off. And maybe it's not really about this at all. Maybe it's really because I've had such a nice summer with Ian and Lily and that it's 17 days until he goes back. Maybe. Maybe not.

Dropped the ball...

...and then it rolled under the table and Lily picked it up and ran off with it and I discovered it many days later hidden in her shoe.

What's that ball, you ask? That would be my dedication to blogging lately. Not sure quite how I got off track but I'm veering back on course as of, well, now.

Ironically, it's been an extremely pleasant summer thus far wherein I have discovered that I actually like my kids. I'm feel sort of sad and weepy over the idea that Ian goes back to school in less than 3 weeks. Of course, ask me again, in 3 weeks, and my answer might be different. Lily will be home for two more years before she meets the entrance age at the transitional kindergarten at the parochial school that Ian attends.

It's amazing what a difference a year can make with a toddler morphing into a preschooler. Lily isn't nearly as obnoxious as she used to be even though she's the 2.5 yo blonde Amazon at the park. She's wearing 4T clothes now. Ian wore 4T when he finished school in June. He's 6 and a half! They were getting snug, but you get the idea. They're 4 years apart but I get asked if they're twins a LOT. Perhaps it is the harried expression up on my face? They do bicker like they could be twins. But they're also really devoted to each other which just makes my heart happy. Ian will take time to build a huge train track for her and read her stories. And Lily will play any game Ian suggests even if they all eventually devolve into "scream and chase". They're good kids and life is good right now.

Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging. Nothing to complain about.

(&#^*!)#*

That about sums it up. The man installing the brickwork in the back yard killed half my daughter plants from the strawberry patch by burying them. He also put bricks on top of my poor sad shrimp plant that I was nursing back to health.

If I had a cat, I'd want to kick it.

Lily looks like a hockey player

Oh my. She is my dangerprone Daphne. I can't bear to actually document her most recent folly on film. She's 2.5 and convinced that she's 6.5 like her brother.

So, we're out in the front yard and I'm dismantling cardboard boxes and Ian is riding his scooter up and down the driveway. Lily catches on to what he's doing and decides she can one up him. She's got one of those little four wheel sit and scoot kind of bikes. Before I realize just exactly what is going on, she takes it to the top of the driveway, climbs on and CAREENS down the drive, accidentally dismounting the bike as she hits the gutter, flys UP IN THE AIR, and lands on the left side of her face and eye across the asphalt.

Words do not describe that sick in the pit of your stomach bad mommy feeling, do they now? She's got this awful raw looking scrape from her eyebrow and down her cheek. The bump was so swollen that she looked like somebody had shoved a Tootsie Pop under her eyebrow.

She looks like a hockey player, heck, she'll probably BE a hockey player some day.

Thankfully, the swelling is just about gone so only the lovely scrape and accompanying bruises remain. When I talked to her pediatrician's nurse, who is used to Lily antics, she reassured me that if she hadn't thrown up, passed out, or had weirdly dilated pupils, she'd be just fine.

Hah. Fine. Whatever.

Needless to say, we spent the remainder of the day in the well padded living room with her curled up in my lap and watching non dangerous behavior inducing movies.

One year ago today

We officially returned to the bountiful land of California leaving behind the arid, rocky skyline of Utah. We came back to fresh produce, trees and family. Remembering those three things kept me sane for the 2.5 years in Provo. We met lots of nice people and plenty of not-so-nice people while we were there. Thanks to the mountains that ring the valley, it was the only place that we ever lived that J could figure out what compass direction he was heading. But, it just wasn't home.

It's good to be back.

Today, we'll be driving up to the foothills to celebrate Father's Day with J, his dad, and his grandpa, three generations of daddies all gathered together. I don't think you can put a price on that after having missed them for almost 3 years.

The appt went well

I really clicked with my new rheumatologist on Friday. He's a very old fashioned kind of doctor. He only sees one patient at a time, nobody is stacked up in the waiting room. And he has such a companionable bedside manner that really put me at ease. Oh, and he's probably old enough to be my father.

We went through the last 2 years of arthritis woe, and at the moment, we're going to stick with the predinsone as needed with an anti inflammatory drug. I see him in six weeks to talk about my x rays and other lab tests. In the meantime, J and I have to decide if we're going to put off having another baby, or shelve the idea completely since my next course of treatment is going to hinge on that issue. What I really can't decide upon is the BC issue. It seems so risky to rely upon NFP when potential serious birth defects are hanging out there. And I just don't know about how it would all go down with being back in the church. I don't even want to ask since I'm sure the answer won't be what I want to hear.

I'm in a strange place with the baby thing. I really don't ever want to be pregnant again. The nine month barf-a-thon just isn't my thing. Being with Ian and Lily now is really getting to be fun. We're even mostly past the tantrums in public places thing which has opened up a lot of other opportunities for us as a family.

Somewhere in my heart, I feel obligated to keep having children. I think it's something to do with growing up Catholic and it's also something to do with being a SAHM with my visible identity being defined by my kids. I don't feel defined by them but I know that is what other people see. I still remember the odd comments that I would get when I was a SAHW without children. As if I couldn't possibly be contributing to the world unless I was bringing home a paycheck. But, J would tell you about how smoothly the household ran. We really do work well together.

MIA

Yep, that's what I've been. I had a surprising turn for the worse with my arthritis after almost a year of remission. I was able to find a new family practice Dr who I really like and I saw her yesterday. They ran a ton of blood work on me and everything was normal, excepting the RF test. I wasn't supposed to be able to see the rheumatologist until July 17th but the office called me yesterday and they have an opening tomorrow. Sadly, it looks like it's time to go back on the medical merry-go-round.

These boots were made for walking...

Got new running shoes today. Sadly, I only got 250 miles out of my last pair of New Balance 1221s. I loved those shoes but they didn't hold up nearly as well as I expected. I know that the RA makes my feet more sensitive than they would be otherwise. Of course, even buying new shoes every 3 months so I can exercise is cheaper than RA meds that I'd need if I didn't exercise. I'm trying the Saucony Hurricane 8s since the local Fleet Feet is waiting for the replacements to come in for the NB 1221s. So, if I don't like these, I can try those in a few weeks.

Now, I'm wondering if I could walk across America in a year. Obviously, I don't have the time to literally do it but what if I could at least do the distance? I covered 250 miles in about 3 months with my last pair of shoes. At my current rate, I'd cover 1000 miles in a year or so. I'd have to triple my rate. I'll have to think on it more.

Am I a sucker?

So, we live in an ordinary town with ordinary people. There's some crime but the streets are basically safe. I walk 4-5 miles a day with the kids and I've only once had a scary vibe that I should avoid someone. That time, there was someone lurching up a residential street and peeking into car windows and trying door handles. I took an alternate route and that was that.

I realized that I've taken to keeping some cash on me to give to people who ask. 10 years ago, I might have just gone off on somebody asking me for money, regardless of their circumstances so this is a definite change of character. What I don't know is this: am I stupid to do that? In my mind, I think that maybe this is a chance to do a kindness for someone from whom I have nothing to gain. I don't have any idea what they want or need that money for. Maybe they'll use it to buy drugs. But, don't drug addicts need to eat too? Maybe they need someone to smile and help them instead of walking away.

For three years, J and I were seriously broke. Welfare kind of broke. We had to do it to get J through school. It was something that you just can't imagine until you are there. The humiliation of applying for aid at the office, the strange and condescending looks from people behind you in the grocery store, the list goes on. That part of it was awful.

I suppose this possibly flies in the face of my recent tirade on being accosted to buy things "for charity" in parking lots. But, really, it's altogether different. I'm not interested in the middle men. They're the ones that irk me, not people in need.

Fahrenheit 9/11

An excellent documentary for those who always suspected Bush was a shady character. It definitely had an inflammatory tone and I'm sure that Michael Moore is probably an asshole. The question is this: Is Bush a bigger one?

More car fun

Did I mention that Lily and I were almost hit by cars in two separate incidents on Thursday? They were serious close calls. If I hadn't jumped back, we would have been creamed. Two times, cars came careening around corners that we had the ROW to cross in the crosswalk.

I guess if this stuff comes in threes, we're even with the cosmos after the one earlier this week. Let's hope so. You'd think that the canary yellow stroller would be easy to spot. Apparently not.

12 years ago....

...yesterday, we got married. We called in sick to work on a Friday and drove to Reno to get married. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Cars that go boom

Lily and I were out on our morning constitutional today when we witnessed a car crash. We and a bicycle rider were crossing in the crosswalk with the light in our favor. The first car that was turning right stopped. The second car stopped. The third car not only hit the second car, but it crunched it into the first. We were on the sidewalk by the time the drivers were exiting their cars.

So, now I'm thinking, what is gong to happen to the guy in the second car. They didn't have any way to escape hitting the first car. They were stopped and pushed by the third car. Will they get cited for rear ending the first car? Talk about insult to injury. Two smashed bumpers *and* a ticket? The traffic gods must be angry with them.

Happy Dance

J and I decided to order the BOB Revolution Duallie for me for Mother's Day. The good part was that REI had a sale with 20% off so we saved a hundred dollars off the stroller. The bad news was that we waited too long into the sale and the stroller went on backorder with no anticipated shipping date. The good news is that when I emailed REI yesterday, they said it was back in stock and that it will be here by Saturday.

Hooray!

It will arrive with before Ian gets out of school on June 9th. I walk about 3-5 miles a day with Lily right now thus I was concerned that Ian wouldn't be able to ride that far on his bike. Hence, the great stroller search ensued. Do you have any idea how hard it was to find a stroller that would fit Ian's skinny but tall 6 year old frame? Let's just say you can't just stop by your local Babies R Us and grab one. And after giving the ones that they have in stock a whirl, I can see why most people just don't ever use their strollers. I've been astonished how many ads on craigslist include the wording, "almost new stroller" or "barely used" or "bought it and then it lived in our garage".

Blog fodder: This means you

I haven't had the blog going long enough to detail the many people in my life. But, friends and enemies, beware. You could be next.

I woke up this morning to the insistent ringing of the phone next to my head. Imagine my surprise when it wasn't a police officer, funeral home, ER director or extended family member. Instead, it was my long lost Trish (currently enduring a MS program with her DH at Penn State). What a relief. Being that I'm a crummy friend and that I hate to talk on the phone when the small people are awake, I've been woefully derelict in keeping up with her since we both fled Utah. Note to self: call Trish more often.

Strangely, this event finally motivated me to head to the Verizon Wireless store to figure out why my cell phone gets such crappy reception on our street and in our house. It appears that it's not me and not the phone. But, it is the reason why I hardly ever call anyone and generally ignore the ringing if I'm at home. I just can't hear much of what anyone says which is doubly aggravating when the little people are, at the same moment, clamoring for attention. The trouble ticket is out there and I should hear back in 48 hours. I didn't have this problem when we lived on the other side of the freeway and it may lead to upgrading this phone that I've decided I don't particularly care for.

And it sickens me further to note

That a recent study determined that an individual working full time at minimum wage would be unable to afford a fair market rate apartment in any city, county or state in America. Not one. Anywhere. In the entire country. Something about that makes me feel as though we have no hope for a future as Americans. Couple that with a war and lower taxes for the wealthy and I think we've made our priorities painfully clear.

Maybe Jonah was right about Ninevah. Maybe it really is too late for spiritual redemption in this culture of excess.

Back from hiatus

So, it's been a while since I posted last. I've been avoiding it due to a sudden upswing of emotional vampirism from needy family members. It's not that I don't want to be supportive but I just can't continue it when it's making me sick and negatively affecting my relationship with my children and husband. This has been a recurring problem in the last 15 years. It starts slowly and then suddenly I'm sick and headachy and tense physically from the incessant need to whine and complain and yet do nothing to change their circumstances. So, I'm giving myself permission to say no. No more hours on the phone listening to a litany of woe. No more of my home being hijacked at the whim of anyone not living here. I need to follow my own advice and take positive action to get back on track. I'm a grown up and responsible for the choices I make. I can choose not to get entangled in this. I can choose to let it go.

I hate people

Today was one of those days. Ian's ear was hurting so I had to pick him up early from school and get him into the doctor to have it checked. All this went smoothly. The ear is fine, he has allergies. No big surprise there considering that J and I are both dueling the pollen beasties at the moment.

So, we're driving back home and it occurs to me that I'll be going by a store that I needed to pick something up at tomorrow. The kids were getting along and I decided to dash in with them.

I was accosted. Twice. And this was after being accosted on the way into and out of WalMart in search of a cake mix to make for my mom's birthday. AND on the way into Safeway (next door to WalMart) to get Lily some water.

Some strange man hollered at me on the way in that, didn't I want to buy some candy for a good cause?" I tried to nicely tell him, "No, thank you" while wrangling the kids into the store but this kind of thing makes me instantly redline. We got our stuff, and we were good to go. I step back out of the store and this same guy is still trying to get me to pony up, "It's just a dollar." This is where I lose it. We turned on our heels and got into the car. The embarrassing thing is that I didn't take my stress out on that guy. My kids got the brunt of it since they were heckling each other in the back seat. I really need to work on that. I have this intense need for silence following this kind of crap. Situations like this just make me want to scream and who knows? Maybe that guy is an axe murderer and would have pounded me if I'd gone off on him.

What is with these people? I give at church and I give at Ian's school and to pretty much anyone that doesn't want me to buy something. I always keep a bit of cash in my wallet to give to someone to buy food or whatever. Really, I mean, what if that person was Jesus for crying out loud? But it's just beyond aggravating when they want to SELL me something. We don't have TV because I can't stand the advertising. I feel like something is wrong with the world. How can it be that everything seems to ultimately distill to advertising and sales revenue? It makes me sick.

I just can't remember

I had thought of something interesting earlier today to blog about. Of course, now it's slipped my mind so I just be boring instead. Wait! I remember now....

A friend of mine posted recently about going for a walk all by herself and how wonderful it was to spend that time alone. I was washing the dishes tonight when I realized why I like cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Nobody bothers me. They've all figured out that if you venture into the kitchen after dinner, you'll get drafted into work or possibly swatted at or snapped by an errant dish towel. But, if you keep your person OUT of the kitchen, you can fool around as long as no screaming erupts to distract me from the task at hand. For some reason, they constantly interrupt me while I'm cooking dinner which has forced me into my "get all the prep work done" fervor in the morning once Ian and J are off to school and work and Lily is occupied by crayons or a movie. Those interruptions are the ones that make me crazy because I like to cook and it would be nice to spend that time concentrating on cooking rather than on shooing annoying interlopers out of the kitchen.

Did I mention I have a sunburn? I took Ian and Lily to the park for lunch on Friday. Ian had the audacity to ask if we could sit in the shade and eat. "But Mom! I might get hot." This declaration followed an interminable period of gray and rain we suffered through for months this winter. Foolish me sat in the sun while the kids dashed about and I've got quite the tomato skin going on now. Strangely, it didn't bother me at all yesterday but my arms feel hot and achy now. This seems to happen to me every year. I get one spectacular sunburn and then I'm good to go. I just wish I'd had a sleeveless shirt on since I'm sporting a fearsome farmer's tan now.

Whirlwind

It's been an extremely full weekend.

Saturday, we walked the kids all over town, including to and from the vigil mass. I think we racked up close to 6 miles Saturday and about 4 this morning running errands. We came home and got the whole house cleaned and scrubbed and vacuumed and then we headed out to the backyard. The kids washed all the patio chairs and the playstands and garden tools while J turned the soil along one side of the fence for the garden. I spent that time sweeping the patio clean (which took forever) then knocking down all the cobwebs. After that I got the hose out and sprayed down all that was left and washed the walls and hosed down the cement. It's like having our own solarium now.

We were viciously attacked by the BBQ bug and went out to Home Depot to finally purchase a grill. That led to finding a propane place since HD was all sold out. Luckily, we found one on the way home that just happened to have one left. Score! The remainder of the evening, after the kids were sound asleep, consisted of J building the grill and me leafing through cookbooks trying to remember how to use one. We haven't had one since ours was stolen from our stairwell (along with all our BBQ tools) the first month we were in our apartment at BYU three years ago.

Tomorrow night, we grill.

Feeling better, can you tell?

I've noticed my posting frequency declines swiftly when I'm feeling better. The sun is finally out and it's 80 degrees and I'm just in heaven over it. I think another week of the gray and rain and cold might have led to a loss of the tenuous grasp I had on my sanity. My arthritis was really bothering my hands the past two days but it seems to be resolved now. Well, mostly, anyway. Maybe I'm getting better at ignoring it?

I took a new route to the park today. It took me just about 50 minutes at a pretty snappy pace which is perfect. Now I need to commit to what kind of double stroller I need for the summer. The skinflint in me is clamoring for the relatively inexpensive Babytrend jogger I saw at Babies R Us. The snob is campaigning for the BOB Duallie. It's a moot discussion in either direction until I can get Ian to the store to try them out. He may just be way too big for the Babytrend which leaves only the second option. I guess I'll have to drag him out with me this weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, Ian has a birthday party to attend. He's so excited. We already bought the gift, we just need a card.

Busy busy busy

Since I last posted:

Took the kids to grandma's for the weekend.
Shopped for new bed and mattress with DH.
Built new bed (gotta love IKEA) with aforementioned DH.
Received the heated mattress pad I ordered.
Moved dismantled loft bed to grandma's.
Broke the stupid seat belt thingie on the driver's side back seat.
Searched the internet to fix stupid seat belt thingie.
Coerced DH to help me fix it.
FIXED!

Little known secret to marital harmony: mattresses that don't give you a backache and dual control heated mattress pad.

Portents of things to come

I caught a glimpse of the future in my relationship with my children today. They are remarkable little people when we're not all exhausted and sick and crabby.

I took my first journey with them *in six years* without a stroller. We went to the Folsom Zoo and Wildlife Sanctuary. Lily was afraid of the tigers but really loved the peacocks. My favorite were the bears. Ian loved it all. We walked and ogled the animals. We climbed stairs and ran down ramps together. We rode the model steam train (sans the normal stroller, diaper bag and other small person accoutrements) and waved to people and neither of them attempted an escape en route or other such possible catastrophes. Did I mention the sun was out?

A good, good day.

Resolution

It's all resolved now. I think. Unless things change again. Or something.

Either way, the kids are still sick. I took them both into the Dr yesterday and they have sinus infections. Thus, they have embarked upon a new round of antibiotics which will hopefully stomp all over their infections. I can hope.

We had a nice Easter holiday with the family. Almost everyone in the area was able to attend and I think we all had a good time stuffing ourselves with pie. J's grandmother looked so good (especially considering she's got terminal cancer) as did his grandfather.

J's mom offered to take the kids this weekend and barring any new health crises, J and I should get a break. We really need the time to go find a new mattress for our bed since we're both having awful backaches from the one we've got now. Ever tried mattress shopping with a 2 yo and a 6 yo? It ain't pretty, let me tell you.

Resolution

It's all resolved now. I think. Unless things change again. Or something.

Either way, the kids are still sick. I took them both into the Dr yesterday and they have sinus infections. Thus, they have embarked upon a new round of antibiotics which will hopefully stomp all over their infections. I can hope.

We had a nice Easter holiday with the family. Almost everyone in the area was able to attend and I think we all had a good time stuffing ourselves with pie. J's grandmother looked so good (especially considering she's got terminal cancer) as did his grandfather.

J's mom offered to take the kids this weekend and barring any new health crises, J and I should get a break. We really need the time to go find a new mattress for our bed since we're both having awful backaches from the one we've got now. Ever tried mattress shopping with a 2 yo and a 6 yo? It ain't pretty, let me tell you.

Too much to deal with

I have some serious stuff going on right now. In the end, I'm sure it will all be laughable but I am currently freaking out in a manner out of proportion to the possible reality. Nobody should be crying in the Ikea parking lot trying to decided how to load a bed in a car or rent a van to get it home. I'm just all out of whack. Thankfully, J is a perceptive DH and has been handling me pretty gently for which I'm grateful. If I disappear for a few days, I promise I'll be back when things are straightened out a bit.

People suck

So, this morning, we walked up to the post office and over to Target and over to a few other places to run our errands. Between the PO and Target, there was a big pile of barkdust that they transportation crew has been using to tidy up the train station. As we were walking across the parking lot some idiot drove up and started scooping up buckets full of it and dumping it into a container in their trunk. WTF?! Who steals bark dust? It's not like you can smoke it, for crying out loud. I really had to pee so I didn't have time to take down their license plate number and stupid me forgot I had a camera phone in my bag. I guess it's time to put the police station's number on my phone. The thing about it is that my kids SAW that person doing it. That bothers me more than anything. It did give us a good opportunity to talk about respecting the property of others but it was so stupid.

Guess what?! Lily is still sick and uncooperative and grouchy. She threw up all over our bed (and me) on Thursday night. She's got a bit of a croupy cough and is just really unpleasant. Ian's sick too. I'm thinking he's going to need to see the pediatrician next week since he's just not getting better.

Our sickness is infinite...

....Like the laundry it's infinite...it doesn't rest.

C'mon, everybody sing with me!

Sorry about that, I need some humor and TMBG to burn off the fog of depression and illness that cloaks our house.

Lily has been acting weird the last few days. She's been walking into doors and walls, stuff that she doesn't normally do. Unlike her mother, she isn't a perpetual klutz. (Ever notice how klutz rhymes with putz? Coincidence? I think not.) I was worrying that maybe she needed glasses since J and I are really nearsighted. Now, I think it may just be another virus. She woke up last night freaking out with a fever and a runny nose. She spent all morning in my lap clutching her beloved pink blankie.

I just can't seem to keep this family healthy. We're supposed to have Easter dinner here on Sunday and now I'm wondering if I should cancel it since Ian will probably end up sick by Saturday.

I NEED some sunshine.

Ice Harvest

Anybody seen this one recently? John Cusack, does that ring a bell for you?

As a general rule, I love JC. Grosse Point Blank is one of my favorite movies, but this was an abomination. J and I have only turned off one other movie halfway through in 15 years (Seven, Brad Pitt, sound familiar?).

Don't get me wrong, I like the F word when I'm pissed off or after I've dropped say, an anvil, on my foot as much as the next person. But, it's a swear word. Meaning a vulgar word to equate vulgar sentiments out loud. It's not grammatical filler. You don't just toss it out there to fill dead air. It's not a replacement for "uh...." I was actually unable to count the incidences after a while and it just left me feeling annoyed that it was distracting me from whatever story that might have been cowering in the corner on the back lot of the studio.

Netflix won't let me give it less than one star, but I can do whatever I want here in my blog. Insert evil, maniacal laugh here.

It sucked.

Somebody. Please. Make. The. Rain. Stop.

I really need some sun.

I'm in such a funk. The constant rain has saturated my brain. I'm grouchy and tired and all out of sorts. On the bright side, I did manage to do all the laundry today.

Have I mentioned that Lily has turned into the pee monster? Yes, she has. Last night she soaked herself though three doublers, an ME Sandy, a wool cover and her pajamas. She did the same thing later in the morning, only then it was an ME AIO and all her clothes. Tonight, I put her in a disposable to see if that makes a difference. I never had these problems with Ian. She's also turned into the devil. Today, I found her in our bathroom merrily stuffing toilet paper into the toilet and then flinging it about.

Tomorrow, I buy door knob covers.

Ho hum

Not much to say today. The kids were better healthwise so we took them out for a long walk in the sun (well, the part that peeked before the clouds returned). That was good excepting the part where I got a sunburn where my watch usually is on my wrist. I thought to put sunscreen on my face but neglected that part.

Mom came over and watched the hooligans so J and I could go to the vigil mass for Palm Sunday. We were waiting for the mass to start and someone asked us if we would carry up the offerings. J was sent immediately into panic since he's not Catholic and he hasn't been to mass regularly since November (when the kids started getting sick). I sat and prayed silently that God would calm J down somehow. Interestingly, the reader for the narration of the Passion started reading the wrong gospel and then skipped part of it and went to the wrong page. The reader handled it very gracefully and I really think that it calmed J down quite a bit. Thankfully, carrying up the hosts and communion wine went off without a hitch. It was actually a very humbling experience.

The sun may be out, but it's cloudy in here

I feel so depressed today.

I can't seem to keep these kids healthy which is crazy. It's not as though we don't have a dishwasher to sterilize everything. The kids wash their hands a hundred times a day. And yet, the sickness rides again. Blech.

J thinks I'm mourning being able to sleep in on Saturday. Yeah, well, maybe. I'm so tired and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until tomorrow.

The good news is that I've lost two pounds. The bad news is the overpowering urge to make a pan of brownies and eat them all.

Foiled again

Ian woke up this morning with a sick tummy and a 102 degree fever. The weekend trip for the kids to Grandma's was promptly cancelled. I can't believe it. I just got him healthy. The universe is out to get me.

Reorganized and ready to roll

I've been in a clothing rut. I think I've worn the same three shirts and pairs of jeans every day for the last month. They were always the clean ones at the top of the drawer but they were making me feel old and frumpy. I'm too young for frumpy. Really. I am. How is it possible that I could have eight drawers and a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear?

I pulled every piece of clothing I own out of the closets and drawers and flung them on my bed. J came in and thought that I'd either lost my mind or set off an A bomb. I took everything that didn't fit me right and donated it. I matched every top to a bottom and hung them all up in the closet together by outfit and organized them by season. I also bought new trouser socks since not one pair of the ones in the drawer would stay up. This means that I can now wear all my cute shoes instead of my tennies every day.

All I had to do this morning when I got up was grab a hanger and VOILA! Not only was I dressed on time, but everything matched and I looked reasonably put together for a mother to two young children. It's a miracle.

Wise words from small fry

Ian (my 6 year old) turned to me yesterday to remark about the book he was donating to the book drive. The title was Tiki Tiki Tembo. "This is a story about listening to your mother and following directions." Indeed, it is.

You know you're a geek when...

...you IM your husband in the bedroom with his laptop from the couch on your laptop.

Making friends with Fleurville

Somebody stopped me yesterday because of my diaper bag. Let's preface this by acknowledging that I'm probably the least "hip" mom that I know. I only happen to have this Sling Tote because I have friends who are hip. The gal who spoke with me was delighted to see one and had a number of questions about it. I tried to give her an honest review of the pros and cons since the Sling Tote is actually my least favorite bag. It's just not quite big enough when I need to carry a bunch of stuff and it's not small enough for just a quick trip to the store. I haven't really run across a situation where it meets an ideal purpose. The Mothership is great for park outings and long walks and shopping excursions with Lily in the jogger. The Escape Pod is just right if we're going out for a short outing and I won't need my wallet and checkbook. The Wrist Bag is perfect if I'm running out on my own with just my keys, cell phone and DL.

I think I'm a Fleurville junkie. If anyone wants to joing me in my obsession, I'm selling my sling tote here.

IKEA, interrupted

J is sick. Lily is sick. Ian is sick. I appear to be the only member of the household that ISN'T sick. One of my plants even looks sick.

J suggested we revist IKEA in hopes of actually going inside this time. We arrived just as it opened and browsed most of the downstairs before it started to get crowded. We had picked out lamps for our bedroom and the living room. Close to $200 in merchandise in the cart. We attempted to check out the upstairs, but it was beyond crowded and verging uncomfortably on mosh pit crazy. Realizing that discretion is the better part of valor, we took the elevator back down so we could pay for our items. Note: The elevator is at the entrance, and there is a wall between it and the checkstands. IF, the security guy hadn't insisted that we needed to walk back through THE ENTIRE FREAKING STORE instead of just going back around the wall, I would have new lamps. Alas, it was not to be. You couldn't have paid me to try and wrangle that crowd twice. Did I mention that Lily spent most of the trip whining and howling and making those lovely sounds that cause the childless and parents (with children who are momentarily quiet) alike to smugly stare in your direction accusing you of parental incompetence? Thus, we fled to the car and departed for home.

I'm never going back. Well, maybe in a year when the IKEA madness has passed. Definitely not taking the offspring.

Ian asked me to take him to the vigil mass tonight. Funny comments from the priest, "Everyone here was thinking ahead, I see. You all get to sleep in an extra hour tomorrow. Those who put church off tonight have to get up for 7:00 a.m. mass tomorrow." Have I mentioned that I hate the whole daylight savings time thing? It's crazy that someone convinced us all to pretend it's a different time for half the year. And we LOSE an hour of sleep. Which mothers voted for that?

Yawn

Ian has the day off from school. We had a little adventure this morning trying to buy some Mazing candy bars. WalMart didn't have any single bars, just bags of little ones. Ditto for Target. But, Long's Drugs didn't let us down. Score one for the old fashioned drug store.

In addition, we went in search of some King Kong books that he could read. Barnes and Noble had 3 out of the 4 that we were looking for but I'm shopped out with little kids. To be fair, Ian was just fine, Miss Lily was a grouch. She's adorable, which is a good thing, since she needs something to counter her hideous personality when she's sick. Oh yeah, and she's been sick since November. Sadly, she comes by it rightly. I'm a terrible patient too but I'm a grownup (so they say) and I usually manage to keep my mouth shut about it.

I'm inexplicably tired today. It's not that I didn't sleep. I think it's the near constant whining from the last few days. I have all this sewing that's stacked up on my dresser but I can't seem to get two minutes together to finish it up. Surely, in the long run, I'll be glad that I sat with her curled up on my lap with her beloved blankie when she was sick for hours at a time. I will, right?

I did the thing I said I wouldn't do

I cut her hair.

Not much of it was cut, mind you. But *I* did it. Not only do I have zero cosmetology experience, I am also lacking in the steady grip arena. Nobody should let me near them with scissors. Just ask J. A million years ago I cut *HIS EAR* while trimming his hair. That was the last time I held scissors near hair.

Truthfully, it looks ok but I don't plan to do it again any time soon. It is nice to see her eyes again. I only touched her bangs. She's just been so crabby and so TWO lately that I couldn't face the humiliation that is a screaming toddler in Supercuts.

She sleeps! Again...

Poor wee bairn. She's zonked in the stroller.

I'm determined to get back to exercising and so we walked over to WalMart (2.83 mi round trip) to pick up a few things. We had planned on going to the park afterwards but it started raining just as we left the store. Thankfully, it was a pretty light rain and we were still mostly dry when we got home.

She sleeps!

Neither one of us had to get up with her last night. I guess the pre-bedtime meds helped her quite a bit. The sad thing is that I'm still exhausted. Now, if I could just figure out how to eliminate the morning screaming at me for breakfast which she ultimately refuses to eat regardless of the menu.

More of the same

Lily alternately napped and screamed at me most of the day. Sick two year olds are just the most charming companions. She perked up a few times enough to wander out in the backyard with me for a few minutes of yard work. And she was with it enough to insist that we should be walking "in the stroller" to pick Ian up from school today. We didn't, though, since we picked Ian up and then J from work where he was falling asleep at his desk.

We had an extremely disagreeable hour before dinner. Part of Ian's homework involved illustrating some sentences and he absolutely loathes drawing things like that. We had some shouting and arguing and it just wasn't pretty.

I'm so glad that tomorrow is another day.

It just keeps getting better

Yesterday, 9:00 p.m.

Lily wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs. She's incoherent and inconsolable. Neither J or I are able to get her to calm down. Eventually, it occurs to us that we need to wake her up completely so she'll stop freaking out. We take her into the living room and pop in Winnie the Pooh and eventually (after a half an hour of insanity) she calms down. Unwilling to risk another round of hysteria, we keep her up with us while we watch some of the X Files DVD we have from Netflix. She was a bit congested so I gave her some Triaminic to help with it. I rock her a little and she dismisses me from the room after I tuck her in.

Today, 3:00 a.m.

Yes, do you notice the time up there? Three a.m. No joke. The screaming starts up again. Today, with the clarity of a cup of coffee, I realize that the decongestant had worn off. J went in to get her and she cranked up the volume even higher, insisting that she wanted her MOMMY! Not the kind of reception you expect when you haul yourself out of bed at that hour. I went in and snuggled her and got her back to sleep only to start this all over again every twenty minutes until close to five when J made an executive decision and put Lily in our bed and went to sleep in hers. Things went ok for that last hour or so before Ian was up with is own runny nose. Did I mention that Friday night, he was up howling about his nose?

Today, 8:46 a.m.

So very tired. Lily's had some more decongestant and is decidedly better spirits. I want to take a nap on the floor. It could actually happen but first, I need to change the movie out for her. Lilo and Stitch is almost over.

About the ketchup burst

Today was one of those days. I had one of those little breakdowns that I have every so often.

I had tried cutting my medication back per the dr's instructions they day before yesterday. That meant that I didn't take my evening dose. By morning, my head was aching all over again which meant yesterday involved trying to beat the headache back into submission. It bothered me off and on but I felt mostly ok physically when I woke up today.

Of course, J and I stayed up too late last night and the kids woke up at six a. m. whining and demanding breakfast. Have I mentioned how much I detest being awakened by a small person poking at me? It's one of those instant angry type of things where I just want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE" and shove them out of the room and slam the door. It's not exactly the type of thing to make me mother of the year, but there you have it. It just ruins the morning for me. This lovely wakeup call coupled with the aforementioned medication/headache snafu just pushed me over the edge. I can't remember what J asked me or said, but it was something completely innocuous. And there I was, a sobbing mess over what was probably nothing at all. These headaches make me so angry. I know that I can't do anything about them and being victimized by my body and it's issues seems to percolate this angry and helpless emotion that seizes me once in a while. Truthfully, I did feel better after some tears and sobbing. J is good at helping me know that he loves me regardless of how broken I may be.

I took a shower and we all got ready and went for a long walk to Starbucks, to the post office, to the park. We came home in time for lunch and went out into the yard to work. We managed to get the flowering quince cut down that was killing the two trees on either side of it. And we got a lot of the ivy torn out that needed to be cleared. There is still more work to do but we made a lot of progress.

Commentary from the man

J's response to the drug dealer bust, "Well, that's 21 less dealers at the station."

News from the 'hood

Last week, the police busted *21* drug dealers at the closest light rail station. That freaked me out a bit considering I've never given it a 2nd thought to walk over there with the kids. Apparently, they had been running a sting operation there because they were having too difficult a time finding some kind of permanent address for the alleged dealers. It's just strange because this isn't right next to our neighborhood but it's only about 4-5 blocks away. Still, the truth is that I feel WAY more comfortable over here in this normal neighborhood than I did in the corporate ghetto on the other side of the freeway or in the 500K DINK housing in the south area.

In other news, I now have a new Powerbook (thank you USAA Insurance Company). It's so pretty and fast and shiny and the keys are so springy.

J owes me big time for today. I took both kids shoe shopping. Talk about nightmarish torture. I always forget how awful this kind of outing can be for the parent. Lily wailed and shrieked for most of the time we were in Target. Thankfully, I had brought snacks so I was able to keep her distracted while in Mervyn's (where, thank the Lord, we actually found Ian some shoes that he liked and that fit). He is the pickiest kid I know. He has some sort of incoherent ideal about exactly how his shoes should fit and look and which he is unable to clearly articulate to me. The shopping mostly consists of "no, Mom, they're ugly" or "no, Mom, they'll make my feet look too big" or just plain old "EWWWWW!" This issue coupled with the stringent restrictions on what he can wear with his uniform conspire to drive a parent mad. Seriously, I feel half insane now. And do you know how few shoes you can buy that are only black, white, navy, or brown or some combination thereof? There's always some stupid dash of color somewhere to foil us from getting the hell out of the store sooner. I think the shoe companies do it on purpose. They're out to get me.

Whew!

This was one of those days that I thought was going to be awful but turned out to be okay after all.

I'm in a weird place in my relationship with my mother. Things were really good between us for a while. Then my sister had one of her "crisis" moments and threw everyone's life into dishevelment and chaos. So, my mom has been acting weird and secretive and generally odd and has blown me and the kids off a number of times in the last two weeks. She was supposed to come over today and ended up not coming. It wasn't a big surprise but it was an enormous relief for me and I feel ashamed of myself that I'd think that at all. I've been feeling so crappy with these headaches and it always seems to send my normal bitchiness to the nth degree. And really, it's the same old song. I'm the reliable one who will be nice even I am the one who gets dumped on or ignored or let down. I know it won't make a difference if I get mad and things between us are hideously complicated by the fact that I'm also a mother now. I do have some idea of what it must be like to have a wayward PITA child who sucks the life out of you. I don't know exactly, but I can extrapolate from the bit of parenting experience I have under my belt. It's hard to stay mad when you can at least imagine the trauma someone else is dealing with.

Anyhow, the day started out terribly. Lily wandered into our bedroom before six a.m. and proceeded to squirm and pinch and annoy me to death. I can think of few things I like less than waking up with a kid poking at me. I suppose that fact alone is enough to have my mom card revoked. Still, it's the truth. She spent all morning whining and generally just crabby and out of sorts. She has that special, intractable 2 year old thing going on. And her voice hits that pitch that makes me think that my idea of eBay adoptions isn't so far off the mark.

Thankfully, the sun came out and warmed everything up and she woke up in a really good mood from her nap. We packed up and went to the park and played on the swings. We picked Ian up from school and he was in a good mood as well. Everyone was still happy when we went to pick up J at 4:45. That is a nearly miraculous achievement. It's a rare day that *somebody* isn't in a bad mood when we pick him up. We had some dicey moments during the setting of the table but we recovered and they're in bed and (hopefully) sleeping.

And did I mention I'm getting a new Powerbook tomorrow?

Indeed, I am. The one I have now got dropped during the move and the bezel and case are slightly mangled. We were wise enough to buy a floater policy (for $15 a month) just to cover the computers. This one got dropped once before and they paid the $400 to fix it. The damage this time is only that much less than replacement so I GET A NEW ONE! I've never ever had my own new computer. Things are good.

Things are better

It was a nice weekend. The kids were well behaved and the sun was out and life was good. We visited J's parents and grandparents for dinner on Sunday and we had fun chatting with everyone.

The headaches seem to be gone as mysteriously as they came.

There's good news and bad news

The good news is that the nerve block on Friday helped some. The headache isn't gone but it's better than it was. It was gone for a while but it seems to ebb and flow. I've been sleeping really badly since Tuesday when we decided to try and wean me off the heart meds and lower the tricyclic dose. Last night, I went back to the original dose of the tricyclic and my sleep was a lot better. The bad news is that it made me really tired all day and I ended up taking a 3 hour nap (thank goodness J was home). I guess it's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. The neurologist is concerned about my neck pain and thinks it's really contributing to the head pain so he gave me some a muscle relaxant to try at night but it's been ineffective. He was concerned it would really sedate me but it did just about nothing. ::sigh::

Why won't these things go away?

My head hurts

The nerve block wore off and it's be getting increasingly worse all day. I finally laid down in the dark for a while when J got home and that seemed to help for a bit but it's still going strong. Thankfully, tomorrow is not Saturday, so I'll be able to get in to see the dr and hopefully the next shot with the cortisone will do the trick.

I really hope so.

The good news is that I actually remembered to pick Ian up on time today. That was a small miracle in and of itself.

And now for the good news...

I am feeling much better tonight. My appointment with the neurologist went very well. He really is a very kind doctor which, sadly, isn't something that I've found too often in the various physicians that I've met with over the past few years. He asked me to try a procedure called a nerve block where he gave me a shot of lidocaine in the back of my head to try and determine if the headache was vascular or nerve related. I got a lot of relief almost immediately. So, it appears that the endless headaches may actually be occipital neuralgia. It doesn't preclude the possibility of migraines as well, but is something that is more readily treatable. The next time it gets bad, I'll be going in for another shot of lidocaine and cortisone which should give me more long lasting relief. I'm also going to wean off the heart meds and bump the dose back on the nortriptylene which should eliminate most of the side effects that are currently taking there toll. And we'll add in a sustained release antiinflammatory drug which sould keep things under control most of the time. So, I have some hope that I'll have some changes for the better soon.

Oh, and our new insurance is so much better than our last one. My new prescription was $100 dollars but I only had to pay $5 out of pocket. What an improvement.

S

Something's always wrong

I was thinking to myself the other night that we all need to worry a little bit more about the big questions in life. For instance, what if aliens come to our planet and steal all the beer and pizza and coffee? THAT would be a disaster.

I'm having a hard time holding it together right now. This last bout of headaches really did a number on my psyche. I've been a crying wreck this morning even sans a headache. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of another one and that I've been betrayed by my body, victimized by this unnamed (and nearly unmanageable, it seems) disease. There is all this anxiety and anger swirling around in my head and everything seems to make me irate and outraged lately. I'm feeling constantly overtired and irritable and I don't like being myself right now. J made a mean comment to me out of frustration of his own inability to help me deal with this issue and now he feels terrible too. The drugs are helping with my sleep issues but they mess with a lot of other aspects of my body that leave me feeling sort of violated and abused. I have an appointment with the neurologist today and I have a lot to discuss with him.

My brother (one of my favorite people in the world) is having some problems that are dragging him down. Thankfully, he's dealing with it in a constructive and positive manner and I'm so proud of him for being so responsible and mature.

In other news, I splurged and bought myself a new diaper/handbag to celebrate our return to real life. J just got a permanent consulting job which is really helping with our benefits and medical costs.

Stay FAR FAR away from Ikea. We didn't even get off the freeway because it was backed up for miles in both directions and the parking lot was already full.

What makes it a bribe?

My MIL called yesterday to tell me that she's got some kind of stomach flu. So, my break from the kids this weekend is off. And not only that, it's going to make it hard for J and I to meet our volunteer hours for Ian's school. We were both supposed to work at the school today and that would have given us 8 hours and taken the stress off of meeting our obligation for the year. Obviously, she didn't want to be sick but MAN, I was really looking forward to some time alone with J sans the small people.

Instead of some quiet time, I took both kids shopping for groceries. I think I bribed them. Ian was my coupon helper. He carried them and helped me find all the things we needed. And we bought *4* kinds of chips. They each got a bag of Cheetos (Ian went with FLAMING hot and Lily chose regular) as promised for their cooperation. If you promise it ahead of time, is it a bribe or an incentive. It's been a while since I've taken them both to Winco by myself and they were really good but it is EXHAUSTING keeping them busy and from wrecking everything in their wake. Oh and then with the bagging all the groceries myself while doing that. Now I remember why I always bring J to run interference. I can manage just one of them fine but both requires all my multitasking skills.

J wants to go over to the new IKEA store when he gets back from the school. I'm hoping that I'll be able to find some white cereal bowls to replace the plastic abominations that we're currently using.

I think I need a nap.

Day 9

Yep, nine days of migraine. I tried the new steroid stuff and it was pretty much no help. I just left a message for the neurologist so hopefully I'll hear back and he'll have a perfect solution to end this round. Worst case scenario in the last 4 years is 21 days. That could mean I'm halfway through it. I hope so.

Denial and depression

I've been having migraines again. It started at the tail end of Lily's bout of pneumonia and it's been going on 6 days now. I'm trying to keep busy and take my mind off of it but that only works for so long. Then it all sort of gangs up upon me and I feel like I've been run down by a steamroller.

It's so depressing and it feels so unmanageable that I don't even want to mention it to anyone because what can they say? It sucks to have headaches that sometimes last 11 days at a time? Yeah, we've covered that at some point in the last 5 years. It will go away eventually. Yeah, well, I'm also going to die some day but I prefer not to dwell on that issue either.

I hate this.

On sleep and poison

I think she's nearly better. We've had two nights in a row of decent sleep for all involved and the nasty hack seems to be gone. She's still awfully tired and crabby but we will take what we can get. I'm so relieved that she isn't getting worse. I always forget how scary it is for little people to be that sick after they've been well for a while.

About the poison. Nerium oleander is poisonous. I knew that but I didn't know HOW poisonous. According to a study at UC Davis, *one* leaf is enough to kill a child Lily's age. I thought they'd just give her a tummy ache. Boy howdy, was I wrong. So, now I need to ask our landlord if it's ok to dig up the enormous one in the backyard that I just pruned. The one in the front doesn't worry me since she'll never be out there unless I'm there to supervise her. But in the backyard, it would be easy enough for her to slip over and munch on them. And she is the kid who would do it. She may be 2 1/2 but she still regularly consumes legos/rocks/interesting bits of paper/snacks she's stashed around the house for later/grass and the occasional weed. I really need to take the samples from the berried trees over to the nursery and confirm that they are elderberries or Oregon grape and not something else that's poisonous. I'm about 80% sure they're elderberries, which would be cool because then I could use them for jam and other interesting things. If they are poisonous, she's never going to be out in the yard again without being attached to me.

::sigh:: I never had to worry about these things with Ian. He's suspicious of everything.

S

About being tired

Have I whined about that recently? It's so bad that I'm having trouble seeing straight. Literally, everything is kind of out of focus and blurry and I definitely should not be driving a car. I haven't been this tired since last winter's ear infection marathon with Lily. My little girl is really good at the spectacular and life eclipsing sicknesses. Of course, neither one of them does anything half way.

This kid didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time last night. She had a bad day yesterday and wouldn't drink much of anything which freaked me out. She's doing better this morning. She's had a popsicle and some grapes and chips and apple juice. I think that's a good sign.

4 a.m. barfathon

Lily seems to be improving slowly. The good news is that her fever is way down and she's reasonably comfortable. The bad news is that she's still miserable at night. J was up with her a midnight and then around 4:30 a.m. I heard her choking and coughing and throwing up. She was pretty freaked out by it. The nicest part (read actually really horrible) was that when I picked her up, she threw up all over again on me. Blech.

The weather is supposed to be nice today, they're predicting a high of 67. I'm hoping that it really will get up there and I'll be able to take her out for a nice long walk in the sunshine before we go pick Ian up.

My poor sick wee bairn

Lily has pneumonia.

She's been sick off and on since the mold problem in our apartment but she woke up today with a 104.5 fever. Yep, you read that right. It's not a typo. Neither of the kids has ever had a fever that high. Ian's gotten pretty close and Lily has too, but they've never crossed the 104 mark before. She was so hot and red all over and just limp and it was really scary. I took her into the ped. urgent care and they had her do a chest xray to confirm it. She's on antibiotics now and I've got the fever under control with the Motrin and Tylenol so things are ok at the moment. She's sleeping and hopefully will get a few hours rest before I have to give her more fever reducing drugs.

It's going to be a long weekend.

Back from the black

We're moved! And the DSL has finally been provisioned....it was a long 18 days. Things are good (excepting that the kids and I have been sick for the entire time) and we're settling in nicely. I really like our landlord and she's been really great about my wants for gardening. She even brought us some extra pots and fireplace tools. We've met the neighbors on one side and across the street and they're very nice. Ian has schoolmates that live around the corner and I made a friend with their mom. In two weeks, I have met more people than I did in *6* months in that apartment.

J and I whiled away the evenings watching all of Firefly and Serenity. I have a real thing for Malcom now.

Got the keys

The house is even nicer than I remember it. I took my mom over to see it and dragged J over to sign his lines on the lease agreement. Every time I walk inside I feel like I won the lottery. It really is that great.

I'm on borrowed time here. The phone has already been transferred but the internet is still working. Thus, I must spend as many remaining minutes as I can eke out before the 2 week blackout switching the DSL over. How will I live without the Internet for *TWO* weeks? I guess I'll get all unpacked.

Why I love Sears

I ordered my new washer and dryer earlier this week and they marked them down some more yesterday. I called to ask if they'd adjust it for me and VOILA! I am now $70 less in the hole for these wonderful appliances.

Fixed it

It's the reflux again. I don't know why I didn't think of it before now but while I was waiting in the dr's office, it started in with that lovely pain and choking feeling. DING DING DING We have a winner. I feel like my whole life is "better living through chemistry".

Still coughing

Ugh...it's been a while and I'm still coughing and it feels like somebody is sitting on my chest when I try to take a deep breath. Going back to the dr. today. Really hoping they'll fix it.

3 days and counting....Sears delivers the washer and dryer tomorrow and I pick up the keys. Yahooo!

Moving on up

4 days and counting. I'm doing laundry here for the last time. There are boxes EVERYWHERE. The work party at Ian's school was canceled on Saturday. We ended up spending most of the day packing and later we went out for dinner with my mom.

I got a weird phone call on my cell phone earlier. It never rang which is strange all by itself. Then, there was half of a message from Sears. It was some kind of confirmation call about delivering the new washer and dryer. But, the time and date were cut off of the message. I tried calling them back but it's a hideous voice mail tree and I can't seem to get a person. Sheesh.

Priceless

Hearing your kids singing Aerosmith's Crazy at the top of their lungs with the CD in the car.

Moving right along

7 days and counting....

I picked out my new washing machine yesterday. I wanted those gorgeous orange (excuse me, I mean SEDONA) front loaders that Kenmore puts out but I found one for half the price that has all the features I wanted (excepting the color, it's boring old white) so they'll be delivering it on Wednesday.

Packing is going reasonably well. I have almost everything that I can pack ahead of time out of the kid's room. I've gotten most of the pictures off the wall and into boxes and I'm aiming to go through our closet this weekend and donate what we don't need anymore.

The kids are going to Grandma's tonight. Bless that woman, would you please, God? She's tickled to have them so close and both old enough to stay with her and they just adore her. J and I will be volunteering at Ian's school on Saturday afternoon to fulfill our work party obligation towards his tuition. That should be fun since we'll actually get to meet some people.

Feeling better

I saw my mom today. She seems ok but she's not talking about whatever it was that she had to do. I don't want to pry or be obnoxious so I'm keeping quiet but the curiosity is killing me. Went over to the hospital where she works and got boxes. A TON of boxes. I filled up the entire back of the wagon and then Ian's seat too. And if I need more, I can get more.

Thus far, I have packed up all the top shelves of the kitchen cupboards. I also got most of the kitchen appliances packed. I did a few boxes of books in the kid's room as well. I feel much better now that I have boxes for packing and something to show for it. 9 days and counting. The movers come on Friday the 3rd but I'm going to start bringing loads of small stuff over on Wednesday morning when I pick up the keys.

Friday, I'm taking the kids up to my MIL's house. Ian has a half day at school so we'll head up after that. They're going to spend Friday and maybe Saturday night with Grandma and Grandpa and they are very excited. J and I will be at Ian's school on Saturday volunteering on the work party. I'll probably do more packing in the morning on Saturday.

Mothers are complicated

I am so depressed and worried. I was supposed to work at the school thrift store today. My mom was supposed to watch Lily. We had it all arranged a month ago.

And then something happened which I am completely in the dark about. Out of the blue, my mother called last night and said she "had something she had to take care of" today and wouldn't be able to watch Lily. That was it. That's all I got out of her before she hung up. This is not like her unless it's really about my sister who is constantly messing with everyone's lives. That's what it was the last time there was a mystery. Everyone else got dumped to deal with my sister's unending parade of crises.

I'm not bitter much, but I am worried about my mom. She's either not home or not answering her phone and either way it's weird and unsettling. I usually talk to her 2 or 3 times a day.

We got it!

Ellie called me this morning and said we were approved and ready to go. YAHOOO! The movers are coming on Friday, the 3rd and the apartment complex agreed to let us move out by the 5th without any penalties. Everything has just sort of fallen into place. Now, to get some boxes....

She liked us, she really liked us!

Barring any weird complication (like say, J's company telling her they're going to fire him) we will be moving in to the new house starting on February first!

The woman who owns it has lived in the neighborhood since 1963 and has owned the one we're going to rent since 1971. The house was built in 1956 and has that great enormous living room and dining room setup that ranch style houses had back then. The bathrooms and bedrooms are pretty small but how much room do you need for a bed? There is a very big covered patio (probably about 5 times the size of our balcony) in the back yard and a big flat grassy area for the kids to play. There is a lawn service so we're off the hook for grass maintenance and I have the green light to container garden to my heart's content. The garage has an entire wall of storage cabinets and the kitchen, oh my. I can't even begin to describe it's wonderfulness. There is a *5* burner new gas cooktop and a lovely oven that is set into the wall next to it at a comfortable height for a grownup and out of reach of the little people. The kitchen cabinets are blonde oak as is the floor leading in from the entryway to the kitchen. All this for a hundred dollars a month more than they are going to charge us to stay in this moldy apartment.

I am beyond thrilled.

All that and a bag of chips

So everyone is sick now. J is coming down with a cold, Ian has a UTI, Lily has a fever and a cold and I have my lovely hack. Ian's issue has me freaked out because the NP that we saw wants to do a VCUG test on him and I don't think it warrants that since he's 6 and never had one before. I mean if this was a recurring problem, it would be different. I have to decide if I should cancel the appointment or not. I think I should probably call his regular pediatrician and see what she thinks.

I need some good landlord vibes. We decided not to stay over here in the "corporate ghetto" side of Rancho Cordova. I've been looking for a house to rent on the other side of the tracks and closer to Ian's school. I found several that look good but one in particular that I really liked from the outside. It's even yellow. I always wanted to live in a yellow house. I spoke to the lady who owns it and she was very nice and is obviously very particular about her tenants. We make way more than we need to qualify and she said that she "could tell" about people on the phone. Her last tenants lived there for 11 years. I'm meeting her at 2:30 p.m. to look at the house and I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well. The house is in a very nicely maintained older neighborhood that looks perfect for us. I spent an hour and a half driving through all the streets over there to check it out. It's a little over a half mile to Ian's school and J could ride his bike to work (it would be a 5 mile round trip). :::fingers crossed:::

Hack and wheeze

I guess I've been sick for about a week. Not REALLY sick, but I had this nasty hacking cough that just won't go away. I was coughing so much the last two nights that I woke J up out of a sound sleep and he was worried that I wasn't able to breathe. I dragged myself and the wee bairn (at half past naptime) to the Dr and he gave me some cough meds (which will stun a horse by the looks of it) and an inhaler.

Oh. My. Goodness. I had noticed that I couldn't walk very fast last night on the treadmill. But, I had no idea how bad it really was. I feel like a new woman after two puffs on the inhaler. I guess that's what I get for waiting until I had the cough for 9 days before going to the Dr. He said it is some kind of weird virus and that it might take a month to clear up completely.

I just read a post from a friend of mine and she's doing better and that made my day. Then, I read a post from another friend who has been getting some unkind responses to her blog which made me feel terrible. These friends of mine are mothers with a LOT on their plates right now and they are both people whom I respect very much and who both were so willing to help support me in the past when I've had too much to manage. (Adria and Becky, if you're reading, this means YOU!) And for everyone else, THINK before you comment on someone else's blog.

Me and my bad self

Apparently, I am more motivated than I thought I was.

Here's what's left:

Finish grocery list and organize coupons. (CHECK!)

Pick out new haircut for Saturday's appointment.

Sort and wash the laundry. (CHECK in progress!)

Pack for weekend at J's parents.

I still don't want to do any of it.

Making a list, checking it twice

Yep, I have a list. A long one. Of things that need to get done before Saturday. I am, however, lacking in motivation at this moment.

To do:
Call slum lord leasing office to explain that I don't want to sign another lease because we still have outstanding items to be fixed from our move in July. Elaborate that I think our rent should stay the same even though we're going month to month due to the water damage all over the ceiling in the kids room and in the wall next to the fire place. (CHECK!--left message on slum lord leasing office answering machine.)

Call and cancel text messaging on my phone. (CHECK--sort of. J has to put my name on the account and said he'd cancel when he called)

Finish grocery list and organize coupons.

Do the Costco shopping and get gas. (CHECK!)

Get the oil changed in the car. (Check!)

Get copies made of the receipt for my phone so I can send in the rebates. (CHECK!)

Pick out new haircut for Saturday's appointment.

Do the dinner prep work. (CHECK!)

Sort and wash the laundry.

Pack for weekend at J's parents.

Call my brother back. (CHECK! Tried but he didn't answer.)

Pay bills. (CHECK!)

Like I said, a LONG list. But it's all good since I hear blissful silence coming from Lily. I think she finally fell asleep for her nap.

ICKY weather

It's one of those nasty, icky, drippy, drizzly kind of days. The sky is gray and the ground is wet. Lily and I have thus far frittered the morning away watching movies and being grateful that we don't have to be outside.

I have a strange cough that started on Sunday and seems to be getting worse. I think you're supposed to give it a week before you go to the dr but I don't seem to have any kind of cold with it. I feel like I'm having a hard time taking a really deep breath and it woke me up last night.

Speaking of last night, I don't know what exactly was going on but around midnight we woke up to what sounded like a SWAT team helicopter landing on our roof. There were spotlights and all kinds of whoosing copter blade sounds. It was all very dramatic and over in about 5 minutes and quiet the rest of the night. Still, it was a strange thing to wake up to. I couldn't find any mention of it on the news today.

Too much cake

I am officially never allowed to have an entire cake in this house again. My mom made me a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting (YUM!) for my birthday and I think I ate about 80% of it myself. It was delicious but now I'm starting to LOOK like a cake. I really let things go over the last two weeks and I've gained about 6.5 pounds. I should also mention the doughnuts I had and the massive amounts of Chinese take out, the list goes on and on. The thing is that I know I can lose it quickly if I nip it in the bud right now. But it has to start today, no putting it off.

On the good news front, the side effects of the meds has dwindled dramatically so I am once again a coherent human being (well, some of the time, at least). It's a relief to not feel like you haven't slept in two weeks.

Ian is back at school and delighted to be there. He has been complaining that his teeth are hurting him on one side so I've got to get him into the dentist soon. I can only hope he hasn't inherited my rotten teeth.

Lily is deeply immersed in the passion of being two. Everything is the best thing in the world or the most grievous tragedy known to man. She's got that amazing two year old conflict going on which sums up nicely as, "NO, ME!"

It's my party

Today is my 30th birthday. The drug induced fog is keeping it from sinking in, I think. Hopefully, the fog will lift in the next few days before I have to up my meds again. I'm not complaining, mind you, because my head doesn't hurt and what better present could I get than that. Well, my teeth hurt but no headaches. I can't believe that ANOTHER one of them is going bad. That's going to bring the count up to *5* needing major dental work since October. Blech.

My mom and I went out for lunch with Lily and J and I went out for dinner while mom watched the kids. Then we came home and had cake. Next up is bedtime for the wee bairns and a Battlestar Galactica marathon with our newest Netflix DVDs. Life is good.

Slug girl

So. Very. Tired.

I saw the neurologist yesterday and I really liked him. We upped some of my meds and I am just exhausted from them today. Thankfully, this feeling usually only lasts a few days.

::yawn::

Lily in cloth

It's been a funny morning. She obviously doesn't remember being in cloth diapers at all. Every time she pees and figures out that she's suddenly wet, she comes running over, "MOMMY! Clean diaper! Clean diaper!" I guess this might prompt potty training, after all.

Cost cutting

The dentist stuff has driven me back to student mode. I'm putting Lily back in cloth diapers. I'm reinstituting cereal night and sandwich night on the menu. I really don't want any more credit card bills. I liked having everything paid off and I want it to stay that way. But, I refuse to give up Starbucks. I draw the line there.

Volume discount?

It was back to the dentist today. I had broken another tooth last week and went in to have it checked today. It turns out I need an inlay (meaning the cavity is too big for a filling but doesn't need a whole crown) on that tooth AND the one next to it since the filling in it was leaking and had caused a new cavity to grow. Today's cost: $1100

These medical bills are killing us. Add to this all our copays. And the $1500 medical deductible (which began anew on 1/1) which means I'll end up paying for almost all of Lily's ER trip and Ian's last urgent care visit for his ear infection. That doesn't even include the root canal ($160) and two crowns ($1600, give or take) that I had done last month. It feels like every dime in savings and extra ones coming in are being siphoned off to pay for medical bills. We were better off when J was a student, medically speaking. We had really good medical coverage with Medicaid. We didn't have any dental, but really, it feels like I'm practically paying all that out anyway.

I still have at least one more cavity to be filled ($110) and that's if the dentist doesn't find anything else when I finally get in there for the actual exam instead of some other (!#)*%!!$#@ broken tooth emergency.

What really kills me is that this issue isn't unique to our family. It seems as though everyone I know is dealing with this issue. And yet, the influential political majorities neglect to include the crippling costs of health care for American citizens and focus instead on abortion and the WAR ON TERRORISM. It gives me such an isolationist complex. We can't even take care of our own people. Something is wrong with this picture.

The new year is here

So far, so good.

Lily is still le enfant terrible. I think it's something to do with turning two and being a girl and still not quite over being sick. Ian spent a few days with Grandma and Grandpa and developed some weird hives type rash that I can only attribute to the antibiotic he took for the ear infection. He had a strange rash that was similar the last time he took it. I can only hope it will be cleared up tonight by the massive doses of Benadryl he's had today so that we can avoid hanging out at the urgent care center tomorrow.

The weight loss front is still following a slow, but steady, downward trend. That surely beats the alternative. I also officially have a "healthy" BMI. I'm down 31 pounds from where I started and have 24 to go to reach my goal. As I am not going to reach my goal of 135 by my birthday on Friday, I have revised my next goal to 135 by February 1st. I think I can manage that.

Everything feels sort of strange and out of kilter from the holidays right now. We're out of our routine and I think it's making us all behave in odd ways. The kids are awfully grouchy which really is unusual. I mean, they bicker a LOT, but they're usually fairly happy. All the sickness is taking it's toll, I suppose.

I've never been one for new year's resolutions mostly because I think it's kind of silly not to try to do the best you can at whatever you're trying to achieve whenever you're trying to do it. But, I'm going to give it a whirl this year. Thus, I resolve the following:

To try to resurrect my online mom's group,
To be more thoughtful of my family and those around me,
To finish off this weight loss gig, and
To keep a positive outlook.

I've noticed that my blog tends to look like a litany of complaints much of the time and that really isn't my intention. It does serve the role of impartial confessor for me. And while I don't know how much of it J actually reads, I'd venture that it would depress him to think that I just come here to vent. Thankfully, Ian doesn't know about it so I don't have to worry about his feelings on the content included herein. Which brings up an interesting point, really. How much time can you spend worrying about who and what you're blathering on about in your blog? Is this really more of a diary than something else? I haven't made my mind up exactly why I have this blog. That probably has something to do with it's rambling nature.