Bradshaw meet, 12/19/2010

First the bad news, I skated like I just learned my figures in the Novice B event.  I had psyched myself all out in my head, I guess.  They delayed our event and the four of us ended up frozen standing around waiting for almost 20 minutes.  By the time we got to warmup, I could hardly feel my feet.  I actually forgot to finish my last circle and had to go back to finish it. I've never done that before, even in practice.  I ended up 4th place out of 4 skaters.  Phooey on that.

So, I was very frustrated and mad as hell at myself going into the Subloops event which they called before I even had a chance to skate my Novice B figures.  My head was definitely all freaked out over that.  Note to self:  Remember that they can't start the event without you and put it OUT of your mind and concentrate on what you are skating NOW.  I had to rush off the floor and change my skates and get back on the floor to warm up for the Subloop event.

My daughter and I both skated the Subloop event together.  That was actually really fun.  I wasn't sure if it would feel strange to be skating with her but it turned out to be very cool.  There were 6 skaters in the event, one of whom is in our club and who took first at the last meet.    Being the stubborn person that I am, I dug in my heels and really put out my best effort after the epic fail on my Novice B figures.  I am delighted to report that I placed second out of 6 and my daughter took third behind me.  I can't even begin to tell you what a thrill it was for both of us to go up and receive our medals together.

I was absolutely shocked to find out my placement.  I figured I was done and ready to pack up and go home but my coach insisted I leave my skates on until the results were posted.

Lily did pretty well in her Primary figure event.  She tied for fourth and might have moved up a bit if she hadn't accidentally let her toe wheels hit the floor.  I missed when that happened but she mentioned it as soon as she came off the floor.  I think she's a lot like me and felt even more determined to do better in her second event.

I learned a lot today.  I think the most important part was not giving up after the Novice B event.  I could easily have let myself be defeated and sit and cry over it but getting up and going back out was the best thing I could have done.

S

Competition tomorrow

I had a good practice today.  I also realized that I hold my breath when I skate my figures and loops.  What is up with that?

Note to self for the meet tomorrow: DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.  Apparently, it makes a big difference.  I made a conscious effort to take a deep breath before strike off and everything felt much smoother and seemed to take less effort to maintain.

I am going to do *my* best and let the chips fall where they may.  I forgot to ask how many people are skating in my events and of course the schedule doesn't have the numbers listed for any of the figure events.  Still, it doesn't really matter.  I'd just like my scores to be higher than last time.  Yes, I kept the sheets from the last meet.

I feel much more relaxed and ready today.

Oh yeah, and I finished the Christmas shopping on my way home from practice.  I don't know where everyone else was this morning, but NOBODY was at the stores.

Meet on Sunday

Well, my next meet is Sunday. I'm skating "subloops" and Novice B figures. 

I don't know exactly what my issue is but I'm having a horrible crisis of confidence and just feel really down about my skating this week. I had a much better practice this week but even still the specter of doubt is lurking about. I know I have practiced all I can and all I can expect of myself is to take what I have learned and do the best I can with it.

I did order my new figure plate and I'm excited about that. But I got sort of a strange response from people when they heard I was ordering a Roll Line Ring (which will consume all present money for me this year). Kind of that, well, that's an awfully nice plate and you're not that great a skater anyway. Nobody actually said anything like that to me but you know how faces can kind of give stuff like that away? 

I KNOW I should not let this get to me. I know that I am practicing consistently and working as hard as I can to learn things and improve what I can do. I know that there aren't any shortcuts and I love the process of working on things. I know that I am getting better and that I really don't completely suck at everything skating related anymore. When I started in April, I couldn't skate backwards or even make it reliably around the figure circles with one push. I can do figure 100 now (which is an ancient one they don't use for tests anymore and has two Mohawk turns in it).

I think I just feel alone. I have no peers. Nobody else who is really a beginner. The only other skaters that are remotely close to my age are people who have skated all their lives and can do all sorts of amazing things like spins and jumps that I can only imagine doing right now.

I actually feel kind of ashamed of this post. But I wanted to put it out there in case anyone else felt that way and needed to know that they weren't alone. 

And I am not giving up.

S

Today was golden

I had one of those rare practices where I skated everything right.  It was like 3 hours of uninterrupted goodness.  All my figures looked better.  My mohawk turns actually had pointed toes and cooperated in both directions. Score one for me since my coach wants to see that before FINALLY teaching me the proper way to do a 3 turn so I can start Figure 7.

A fellow skater actually took time out to compliment my 113 and how smooth and easy it looked.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  (For the sake of the generosity of the kindness extended, I will overlook the fact that while my edges were pretty clean, I wasn't EXACTLY on the line where I should have been.)  A dad and his little girl came up to me and asked me about taking lessons.  LOL.  I was so flattered and promptly sent them over to my coach.  I so hope that I'll see his little girl at practice soon.  She was adorable in this giant tulle tutu and her little plastic skates.

I really needed a good skating day.  The last two weeks have been a bucket of suck with the exception of passing my tests.

Coach tells me that they actually have enough skaters to separate out the Novice B figures for the competition next weekend.  Super.  At least I don't have to skate against the 12 year olds now.  There are supposed to be 4 competitors in the event.  I'll probably be 4th but that's ok.  Somebody has to be last and maybe next time I won't be.  Unless I can skate like I did today.  I might have a chance if I can be more consistent.

The funniest part of the day:  Coach handing me two cents.  Then telling me to go skate my figures with them balanced on my outstretched hands.  Not a big deal, unless you drop the pennies which I'm sure would inevitably end up under your skate and pitch you into the floor.  Well, phooey on that.  I skated with them and kept those babies balanced.

Figure test success and musings

With the wicked sinus headache, I still managed to pass both my figure tests this morning.  YAY!!


Now that I've had time to reflect on this morning's figure tests.  I'm really glad I had the chance to do them.  My first one went really well.  I felt really prepared for it.


The second test, I felt less confident, largely because I think the double latte hit my system and felt a little shaky.  I knew the figure but I definitely haven't given it as much work as the first tests figures.  Given how the Sudafed messed with me at practice on Tuesday, I should have expected it.  Note to self: what you eat/meds you take can really mess with your skating.  I've learned that lesson now and I know that the cereal I ate was probably a crummy choice for breakfast.  I need to be much more mindful of this in the future.  


Now, I need to just PRACTICE my heart out till the competition on the 24th.  I like a busy floor when I'm doing figures and the QUIET of the test this morning was a tad bit unnerving.  I was the only skater on the floor at the time.


I chatted a little with my coach and she's going to start teaching me the 3 turn.  I'm so excited.  I hate not knowing how to do it.  :)

Blood in the water

Sometimes children seem like sharks to me.  Mum being sick is a bit like blood in the water.  SHARK FRENZY!  


My most exciting moment thus far today is returning to the classroom full of pandemonium to note that Lily thought it would be a good idea to hold her breath until she passed out.  This freaked her brother out who then attempted to open her mouth and accidentally yanked her earring.  The accidental yank did indeed convince her to breathe and additionally precipitated loud wailing and cries of misery.  


I didn't know whether to laugh or cry myself.  Thank goodness it's time for lunch.

The death parade

It began in January.  I found out on my birthday that a good man had died in a tragic traffic accident.  Matt Smith was a father, a husband and a friend I met while we spent a few years at BYU as J finished his degree.  He was survived by his amazing wife, Trish and three lovely children, one still in her infancy.

"Are you there, God?  It's me, Sarah.  I'd really like an explanation on this one."

Well, God's not talking.  I guess I got the answering machine.  Please leave a prayer at the sound of the beep.

My father died in April.  My estranged father.  The father I can't even talk about without getting physically ill.  Suffice it to say, most people die the same way they live.  And even after they are dead, they still come back to haunt you with the humiliating tawdriness they surrounded themselves with during their lives.

The bright side of it was, my sister and brother were able to see what I could never have articulated to them.  And now, they get it.  Really get it.  The horrible part of it was that they were both deeply hurt by him at the end and that's why they understand.  I would have done just about anything to keep them from that.  They deserved better.  And you know what?  I deserved better, too.

God's still not picking up the heavenly mobile.  I'm not sure I even want the low down on this particular plan.

A few weeks later, my godfather died.  Same disease as his brother, my father.  Very different circumstances.  Awful but by now I'm growing numb with the shock of it all.

That brings us to the most recent death which occurred a mere few weeks ago.  My husband's grandfather.  Suicide.  Frankly, he was the only grandfather I had for many years now as both of my own grandfathers have been gone for a long time.  Shock began in earnest.

The shock has worn off now and I've been sunk down in gloom for more than a week.  I've cried a lot and spent the time not crying mostly trying to not cry.  I'm overwhelmed and exhausted.  J's worried about me.  I'm worried about me.

My good friend took a look at me yesterday with naked nails and was really concerned.  Tell tale signs, I suppose.  My brother thinks maybe a therapist would help.  The mere thought of trying to expound on the background tale leading to this emotional turmoil is crippling.  Every time someone gives me a platitude about seeing people on the other side, the grief and anger wells up and I want to smack them.  Those words don't mean anything to me.  Not today.  Maybe not never.

I need this outside of me without have to give a back story for context.  I've bottled it up thinking that it might hypothetically hurt my family's feelings but it's hurting me to keep it festering in my emotional cellar.  These have been great losses, some more than others and this needs light to heal.

Truthfully, Matt's death is the most painful by far.  We'd lost touch with he and Trish in the intervening years since BYU and recently reconnected with them both on Facebook.  They were younger than us by a fair number of years and it slams home your own mortality and the potential fleeting nature of your own life.

Time is what I need now.  Time to process and decompress.  Also, some time for people to not die for a little while so I can cope.  Everyone on board with that?  Pretty please?  Maybe pencil Death in for six months out or so, just for me.  I suspect it probably won't go down that way but it can't hurt to ask, right?

In case anyone is still reading, I'm ok.  It feels better putting it outside my head.  And if you are watching your own death parade go by, you're not alone.  It sucks in many inexplicable ways, but get it out or it will eat you alive from the inside out.  And death shouldn't have hold over the living.  Death doesn't get a seat on the bus today.  Death has to wait it's turn today.

Playing Catch Up

The last month and half has been a blur.  I was sick, there was the inevitable holiday madness, etc, etc, etc. I missed WAY too many doses of Enbrel for my rheumatoid arthritis.  This led to much random pain which messed with my sleep and had me off kilter.  It's been all around funky.  Whew!  Glad all that nonsense is over.

Now, I'm playing catch up.  All the mountains of things that piled up during this time waited patiently for my return and attention.  Far too patiently.  It would have been nice if they'd wandered off and gotten bored and not come back.  So, the mending is done.  The house is clean again.  That weird smell that was nagging at me that I could never find the source of has since returned to it's natural habitat.  Thankfully, that is somewhere else entirely.

In the midst of the madness, I started watching a ton of TV with J in the evenings.  Ok, not really "TV" because we don't actually have any sort of cable or broadcast thing.  We do, however, have Netflix streaming on the Xbox.  For me, TV viewership is a love/hate thing that alternately is lots of fun or a plague of my existence.    Farscape is the current show.  I admit to a fondness for the abundance of shots of Ben Browder's backside, but really, do I need to devote 2 hours a night to it?  It's getting anxiety provoking.  So many things that I want to do, now even less time to do it. It's more complex than that, tied up in wifely time with my darling husband.  Yet, it's interfering with my awaiting books and nail play time and I end up feeling strangely angry with the TV.  See?  It's giving me anxiety right now.

Alas, the dryer is buzzing.  Time to change out the laundry.  The last load of the week.  Thank goodness the kids are in charge of their own now.  Back to chores and when that's done, it's time to make dinner.

Acrylic Roses for Spring - STYLE - by Nails Magazine

Acrylic Roses for Spring - STYLE - by Nails Magazine

Summer Nail Trend: Handpainted Lace Enhancements - STYLE - by Nails Magazine

Summer Nail Trend: Handpainted Lace Enhancements - STYLE - by Nails Magazine

Work Samples from 2009

New year, new diversions

I used to be really good at the blogging thing.  It died a painful death a ways back and Facebook filled up it's empty place.  Now, I can do both at the same time.  Thus, I am hereby resolving to get back to it.

I am.  Really.  Cross my heart.