One year ago today

We officially returned to the bountiful land of California leaving behind the arid, rocky skyline of Utah. We came back to fresh produce, trees and family. Remembering those three things kept me sane for the 2.5 years in Provo. We met lots of nice people and plenty of not-so-nice people while we were there. Thanks to the mountains that ring the valley, it was the only place that we ever lived that J could figure out what compass direction he was heading. But, it just wasn't home.

It's good to be back.

Today, we'll be driving up to the foothills to celebrate Father's Day with J, his dad, and his grandpa, three generations of daddies all gathered together. I don't think you can put a price on that after having missed them for almost 3 years.

The appt went well

I really clicked with my new rheumatologist on Friday. He's a very old fashioned kind of doctor. He only sees one patient at a time, nobody is stacked up in the waiting room. And he has such a companionable bedside manner that really put me at ease. Oh, and he's probably old enough to be my father.

We went through the last 2 years of arthritis woe, and at the moment, we're going to stick with the predinsone as needed with an anti inflammatory drug. I see him in six weeks to talk about my x rays and other lab tests. In the meantime, J and I have to decide if we're going to put off having another baby, or shelve the idea completely since my next course of treatment is going to hinge on that issue. What I really can't decide upon is the BC issue. It seems so risky to rely upon NFP when potential serious birth defects are hanging out there. And I just don't know about how it would all go down with being back in the church. I don't even want to ask since I'm sure the answer won't be what I want to hear.

I'm in a strange place with the baby thing. I really don't ever want to be pregnant again. The nine month barf-a-thon just isn't my thing. Being with Ian and Lily now is really getting to be fun. We're even mostly past the tantrums in public places thing which has opened up a lot of other opportunities for us as a family.

Somewhere in my heart, I feel obligated to keep having children. I think it's something to do with growing up Catholic and it's also something to do with being a SAHM with my visible identity being defined by my kids. I don't feel defined by them but I know that is what other people see. I still remember the odd comments that I would get when I was a SAHW without children. As if I couldn't possibly be contributing to the world unless I was bringing home a paycheck. But, J would tell you about how smoothly the household ran. We really do work well together.

MIA

Yep, that's what I've been. I had a surprising turn for the worse with my arthritis after almost a year of remission. I was able to find a new family practice Dr who I really like and I saw her yesterday. They ran a ton of blood work on me and everything was normal, excepting the RF test. I wasn't supposed to be able to see the rheumatologist until July 17th but the office called me yesterday and they have an opening tomorrow. Sadly, it looks like it's time to go back on the medical merry-go-round.

These boots were made for walking...

Got new running shoes today. Sadly, I only got 250 miles out of my last pair of New Balance 1221s. I loved those shoes but they didn't hold up nearly as well as I expected. I know that the RA makes my feet more sensitive than they would be otherwise. Of course, even buying new shoes every 3 months so I can exercise is cheaper than RA meds that I'd need if I didn't exercise. I'm trying the Saucony Hurricane 8s since the local Fleet Feet is waiting for the replacements to come in for the NB 1221s. So, if I don't like these, I can try those in a few weeks.

Now, I'm wondering if I could walk across America in a year. Obviously, I don't have the time to literally do it but what if I could at least do the distance? I covered 250 miles in about 3 months with my last pair of shoes. At my current rate, I'd cover 1000 miles in a year or so. I'd have to triple my rate. I'll have to think on it more.

Am I a sucker?

So, we live in an ordinary town with ordinary people. There's some crime but the streets are basically safe. I walk 4-5 miles a day with the kids and I've only once had a scary vibe that I should avoid someone. That time, there was someone lurching up a residential street and peeking into car windows and trying door handles. I took an alternate route and that was that.

I realized that I've taken to keeping some cash on me to give to people who ask. 10 years ago, I might have just gone off on somebody asking me for money, regardless of their circumstances so this is a definite change of character. What I don't know is this: am I stupid to do that? In my mind, I think that maybe this is a chance to do a kindness for someone from whom I have nothing to gain. I don't have any idea what they want or need that money for. Maybe they'll use it to buy drugs. But, don't drug addicts need to eat too? Maybe they need someone to smile and help them instead of walking away.

For three years, J and I were seriously broke. Welfare kind of broke. We had to do it to get J through school. It was something that you just can't imagine until you are there. The humiliation of applying for aid at the office, the strange and condescending looks from people behind you in the grocery store, the list goes on. That part of it was awful.

I suppose this possibly flies in the face of my recent tirade on being accosted to buy things "for charity" in parking lots. But, really, it's altogether different. I'm not interested in the middle men. They're the ones that irk me, not people in need.