6 hours of cleaning later...

J was in the same state I was with my inflammatory post about J's parents and the church and the grandparents. I, however, am feeling quite reasonable about the whole situation now.

My mom came up with us on Saturday and she sat and chatted with J's grandma while J and I scrubbed floors and bathrooms and vacuumed and cleaned the upstairs carpets and washed windows. And really it was more like 12 hours of cleaning since it was both of us working full tilt for hours. It was a serious day of work.

I am now convinced that I will NEVER want a house bigger than our cute little 1200 sq. ft., 3 bed, 2 bath ranch that we're renting. I think I literally blocked out of my mind how long it takes to keep a 3000 sq. ft. house clean. I mean, we never had more than 2000 or so sq. ft. personally, but holy cow! The good news is that it's mostly cleaned up now and J's grandparents are very pleased.

J and my mom had an interesting viewpoint on my time spent up there every week. They said that perhaps no one else was stepping up to the plate because I'm there. Then again, SOMEBODY needs to be. When I was up there Wednesday, J's grandad's blood pressure was really low and he had been on the phone with the doctor and I was worried about leaving them at all. Mom also had a good suggestion regarding the laundry situation. Our little frontloader, AIO machine is sitting at J's parent's house right now. I'm going to ask J's grandma if she'd like us to bring it over so she won't have to try to manage the stairs.

Calmer now

I think part of what set me off today was that a friend connected the new Sacramento Temple's Rancho Cordova address with ours. She asked me to go see it for her. This, coupled with my MILs insistent invitations and the general "you're a reactivation project" vibe, I think has rubbed me a bit raw. Not that my friend would have ever intended it that way. I know she never would do that.

But, still the temple experience was a bit too "emperor's new clothes" and that has stuck with me for the past several years. Somehow, the temple also cemented itself in my head as an iconic image of the exclusivity in attendance and barrier between it's members and non-member relatives.

My secret religious views smack of anger and discontent and disillusionment with established religions in general. I don't think that religion is here for God. I think that it's here for us to find our way back and that different roads lead to that same place and that our differences (and similarities) are what shapes the path we choose. Whenever I heat the "God is bound by these laws" stuff, I'm always amazed that an omnipotent being would be so preoccupied about the details.

I guess I'm not cut out for this religion stuff.

I just want to scream

Every Wednesday, I drive an hour to spend the day with J's grandparents. The kids come with and generally have a great time. We drive another hour home and usually get back just in time to make dinner before J gets home.

I love J's grandparents and they need company badly. They are both over 80 and J's grandma is nearly blind and J's grandad can hardly make it up the stairs because he's so winded from his emphysema. Every week, I bring them some kind of baked yummy and I make lunch for everyone. It's an amazing opportunity that Ian and Lily have to spend time with them and it's really important to me that we do it.

The last few weeks, I've been noticing a downward trend in both of them. They're having a very difficult time keeping up with the house work and meals and it's worrying to me. Of course, I'm the only person who would notice since I'm the only person who visits them. Nevermind the fact that one of their sons lives the next driveway down and J's dad is 20 minutes away. I won't even get into that can of worms. It makes my blood pressure skyrocket just thinking about it. The thing that worries me most is that they feel abandoned but they're too proud to ask for the help that isn't being offered.

They joined the LDS church a year or so after J's parents joined and they all attend the same ward. J's dad is the executive secretary and J's mom teaches in primary. Every single minute that doesn't go towards work goes to the church. They share the same bishop, yet this problem continues on unaddressed. It makes me so angry to see that and to know how much it's hurting J's grandparents. J and I felt that we had to make a choice between leaving the church and serving our families. At every turn, we faced this kind of problem in Utah and we knew that it wouldn't be any better if we kept with it here. People SAY that the church is all about family but the personal nature of this and the experiences that we've gone through ourselves says something very different. I'm sure that this problem exists in every church but my experience is limited to Catholicism and the LDS church.

I have to stop now and tell J about it.

Divorce

J and I lost touch with some friends of ours while we were at BYU. We knew this couple fairly well back in the Intel days and we saw them socially fairly often until Alex decided to leave Intel and go back to school to pursue his PhD. Alex and Bethany were our "stable" married friends. Shortly after Alex and Bethany moved to Chicago, we moved to Utah and thus the huge 4 year gap since we had been in touch. J tracked Alex down via email and Alex called last night to say hi.

They divorced in December 2005.

I feel so sad about this. Up until this point, we haven't had any of our contemporaries go through this. J even warned me not to expect them to still be together. He reminded me that the statistics are 50/50 for most marriages.

I still feel stunned. And sad. Really sad. I mean, it could be us, right? Except that obviously it isn't us. They didn't have any children, so I suppose that's good? I just can't imagine no J in my life. At this moment, I have been his significant other for HALF of my life. We started dating when I was 15 and got married when I was 18. We've been through 12 years of marriage and two children together. He really is my other half. No J would be like no air, no heart beat, no nothing.

Ow Ow Ow

Ugh. My neck and head are killing me today.

I stayed up too late (which has become an epidemic problem lately) and I'm over tired and half asleep and super groggy and dizzy. I haven't made it out for our walk yet and I'm still in my pajamas which is extremely unlike me. I'm usually a "get dressed and get cracking" kind of girl. Sitting around in my jammies usually makes me feel depressed.

16 days until Ian goes back to school. We got all his school shopping done and he is armed with uniforms, and a backpack and new school shoes. I'm still having mixed feelings about it but it seems less freaky now that we've gotten that all out of the way. I think it eliminated the anxiety I was having over getting that task completed.

I need to get up and moving. I have to go to get milk and I need to take my walk. Getting....up....now.

Intuition or Paranoia?

I have this feeling. It's really bothering me. I couldn't say *why* I have this feeling. There isn't any reason for me to feel this way.

Yesterday, J and I worked over at Ian's school for the "before school opens" work party. We weeded and dug and hauled bark and weed whacked (is that even a word?). At one point, Ian's soccer coach asked me how I felt about Ian's first year. This horrible feeling of dread/anxiety/stress about knocked me over. I'm worried about sending him back to school. I don't know why and that part is bugging me. I know his teacher and I like and trust her. In fact, I know most of the staff and they're all very talented and compassionate individuals.

But, there is this kid. He was in Ian's class at the beginning of the year before we moved him into the kindergarten class. He was sort of outside the realm of normal, IMO. He demanded that Ian give him some of his lunch and just generally took advantage of him. Ian thought that was what "friends" do. It's not and the teacher addressed it but there were a few other instances that left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

I've just got a bad feeling about this and I can't seem to shrug it off. And maybe it's not really about this at all. Maybe it's really because I've had such a nice summer with Ian and Lily and that it's 17 days until he goes back. Maybe. Maybe not.

Dropped the ball...

...and then it rolled under the table and Lily picked it up and ran off with it and I discovered it many days later hidden in her shoe.

What's that ball, you ask? That would be my dedication to blogging lately. Not sure quite how I got off track but I'm veering back on course as of, well, now.

Ironically, it's been an extremely pleasant summer thus far wherein I have discovered that I actually like my kids. I'm feel sort of sad and weepy over the idea that Ian goes back to school in less than 3 weeks. Of course, ask me again, in 3 weeks, and my answer might be different. Lily will be home for two more years before she meets the entrance age at the transitional kindergarten at the parochial school that Ian attends.

It's amazing what a difference a year can make with a toddler morphing into a preschooler. Lily isn't nearly as obnoxious as she used to be even though she's the 2.5 yo blonde Amazon at the park. She's wearing 4T clothes now. Ian wore 4T when he finished school in June. He's 6 and a half! They were getting snug, but you get the idea. They're 4 years apart but I get asked if they're twins a LOT. Perhaps it is the harried expression up on my face? They do bicker like they could be twins. But they're also really devoted to each other which just makes my heart happy. Ian will take time to build a huge train track for her and read her stories. And Lily will play any game Ian suggests even if they all eventually devolve into "scream and chase". They're good kids and life is good right now.

Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging. Nothing to complain about.