Make it stop

The migraines are back in force and they've brought all their friends for a party in my skull. I saw the dr on Monday and she gave me some Cafergot to try and it helped a bit but I'm hurting again. I alternated Tylenol and Advil and Benadryl yesterday and spent the day on the sofa. I thought I was mostly better but it got worse last night again and this morning is miserable. This is so depressing.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Or maybe not? The kids spent the weekend with Grandma and Grandpa. I never even had the chance to miss them. I had migraines 5 days out of the last 7 and J and I were so busy running errands, cleaning carpets and trying to "relax" that I don't think I ever did. Thankfully, I've been headache free today.

Lily is now the proud owner of a "big girl" bed complete with Pepto Bismol pink flannel sheets. She loves it.

We got the tree up and trimmed tonight and the Advent wreath is up on the hearth and lit. We took the kids for a walk to the park and got in a couple of miles. Dinner was reasonably quiet and well mannered and so I should feel relieved and relaxed for the evening. Instead, I'm all upset and freaked out. I have two dentist appointments this week and I have to go to the DMV to get the !#**^$@! car registered.

I think it's the headaches that are the real problem. I feel depressed about them and angry. I feel inadequate and that it's somehow my fault that I get them and seem to be unable to manage them. I just want them to go back wherever they've been for the past 3 months.

One good thing of note this week: I didn't gain any weight over Thanksgiving.

The sanity assassins

It has been a blissful 3 months since Ian started school full time. Little did I realize just HOW blissful it was. Ian has been home for 3 days on Thanksgiving break and I am ready to run away from home. I took them both to the pediatrician today and it was an absolute disaster. Highlights included an entire cup of apple juice getting poured in my shoe and Ian running away and disappearing after Lily had already gotten onto the elevator. Did I mention that Lily has a doctor phobia and screamed for most of the hour we were there? Then, she had 3 shots and screamed the entire 20 minute ride home.

Days like these make me seriously consider whether I actually posses the mental stability to parent these kids. I'm a wreck. I've had migraines two out of the last 3 days and this comes after almost NONE for the past few months. I'm freaked out and worried that I'm going over the edge and that I'll get as sick as I was after I had Ian and be totally incapacitated again. Do I really need antidepressants and heart medicine to manage my stress? I've been off all that stuff for almost 3 months and I just don't want to go back on it. I haven't had a decent walk since Saturday and I think my endorphin levels have bottomed out and my cortisol has skyrocketed. We did manage to get out tonight to Starbucks (which racked up 4 miles of sanity savings) but it was such a meager panacea for my ills that I still want to hide under the bed. It's been constant bickering (at least it seems that way) and I've had flashbacks to my youth and refereeing my brother and sister.

Oh, I forgot the best part. On Monday, I took them shopping since I need to get bedding for Lily's new twin bed. They were fighting and Lily was in the cart and Ian was mocking her from the floor and she reached over to whack him and FELL OUT OF THE CART ON HER HEAD. Yep, that lovely little illustration on the carts means so much more to me now.

But hope is on the horizon. Grandma and Grandpa are taking the kids for the weekend. And we will rise up and call them blessed, let me tell you.

All peopled out

It was a long and busy weekend. Ian had his soccer award night at school on Friday. What a madhouse! Then Saturday, we had his final game of the season and then his team party in the afternoon. Another madhouse. Sunday, we went to church at 8 o'clock mass and lo and behold, there was my *father* in the choir, who I haven't spoken to or seen in 10 years. We ducked out after the Eucharist because my mom was freaking out. Sunday afternoon, we stopped at Winco to pick up some lasagna for dinner and went to visit J's grandparents up in the country. That was a nice way to spend the evening.

I should mention that J and I are both INTJs on the Meyers-Briggs scale and that we just don't *do* large gatherings with many wild children on a regular basis. I think I've had all the people I can take for a few weeks. We were supposed to go to a dinner tonight at church but neither one of us can stand the thought so we're ducking out. That works out well for J since he's planning to work every night this week so he can meet his deadlines at work and still take Thanksgiving and the day after off. But, it leaves me kind of bored. I think I may have to go buy a book.

Ian has the whole week off of school so I picked up a bunch of wooden Christmas ornaments for him to paint. We also have to go buy a tree so that we'll have one to decorate this weekend when we get back. And I have to go buy a mattress for Miss Lily since she's outgrown her little crib mattress. This means I also have to go buy sheets and a comforter and all that stuff.

The mouth owies continue

They got me in but they didn't do anything. First, they thought it was maybe that the crown was too tall so they ground it down some (while I squirmed in discomfort in the chair). No dice. So they did x rays which show that it looks fine. Now, I have to go to the endodontist (who doesn't have any openings until Tuesday at 11) and see about a root canal. I had to ask with urgency about getting some pain meds to get me through until then. I think they think I'm making this up since the xrays look ok, but my mom said she had almost the exact problem in the same spot in her mouth.

Owie owie owie

I thought I had this tooth fixed when they put the temporary crown on it this week. It's been twinging on and off for the last few days but I figured it was just adjusting to the crown or something. I woke up this morning and it's killing me. Thankfully, the dentist can see me at 10 a.m. and my mom can come watch Lily while I do it. I think they're going to have to do the root canal after all.

I just want to cry. I really, really hate going to the dentist and I hate pain and I'm feeling awfully discouraged about all this.

Bad feelings gone

I just measured my waist since I need to buy smaller pants and I've lost 2" in both my waist AND my hips!

Feeling strangely bad

I don't know what is the matter with me today. I am in the funkiest mood. I think I have sunshine deprivation. I spent all morning running errands with Lily and grocery shopping and all that beautiful sunshine out there is going to waste. It's Ian's early day at school so I think we'll be heading to the park for some sun and frolicking later.

Over the river and through the woods

That's where I went today. Mom, Lily and I drove up to the country to visit J's grandma and took her out to lunch. I think we made her week! She was so pleased to have company and to have people to chat with and to see her great grandbaby--Miss Lily.

Ian got busted today at school. Something about walking backwards in line from PE back to his classroom and an additional incident involving his buddy Matt which ended in them both missing out on making Pilgrim hats during art time. If he screws up again this week, he gets kicked out of the Thanksgiving Feast on Friday. After he's done with his homework here tonight, he'll be writing a letter of apology to his teacher. ::sigh:: He can be such a punk. But, we've had near perfect behavior for the last two weeks at school so I knew trouble had to be brewing.

I'm still vaguely sick. Enough to be annoyed about it but not enough to be really down for the count.

Finally, we have the Thanksgiving situation straightened out. The dinner will be at J's grandma's house and we'll all be in attendance. I'm in charge of the pies and mashed potatoes. Yum, my two favorites.

Made it through the dental appt

Whew. The temporary crown is done. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep last night and I was practically shaking in the dentist's chair. He kept offering me nitrous oxide because he was worried I was so nervous. I was fine once the drilling was done. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't still hate going to the dentist.

I heard from J's grandma today and she sounded so sad and lonely and I'm worried that she's getting sicker again. Tomorrow Mom and Lily and I are going to drive up and see her. It will put my mind at ease to see that she's really OK.

J came home in a good mood and swept me off my feet with an unexpected kiss. It's nice to know that he still feels that way. It will be 12 years of marriage in May. Where does the time go?

Ghost in the machine

We had a ghost from our past materialize out of the Internet ooze. It's left me feeling very vulnerable and unsure of myself. Since that's not a mode I normally operate in, it's uncomfortable to say the least and I think I'm a little bit unhinged today. I suppose nobody likes to revisit dark times from their past especially when they relate to your marriage so I'm vowing (hah!) to make a renewed effort to put it all behind me and out of my mind permanently. We'll see how that actually pans out.

Finally got the right batteries for the scale and it said 147 this morning. Shouldn't that be cheering me up? I made it out for my walk with Lily in the beautiful sunshine we've got pouring down on us here today. It was pretty windy and the leaves were raining down on us and dancing along the sidewalks and parking lots like autumn fairies.

Meanwhile, I am still sick. This nasty hack kept me up (and poor J as well) half the night so I've been groggy all day. I have to go the dentist tomorrow and I'm worried how I'll manage it since I can hardly breathe out of my nose at the moment. I wonder if I should call them? Called them. No dice. Take some cough medicine and come on in! Ah well, it was worth a try.

MIL just called. She offered to drive down and stay with Lily while I go get my crown done. (She likes me! She really likes me!) My mom is already planning on being here since it's her day off so I'm covered, but maybe MIL would like to come down on Friday and take the kids back with her? That plan has some merit. I wonder if Lily will be over her cough and such in time. Thankfully, she's been sleeping the last two nights so J and I are about half human again.

Making the best of it

Despite my being sick, we dragged the kids out to Starbucks and the park and racked up 10k worth of distance today on the jogging strollers and our feet. Ian was possessed by the berserk looney demon and acted like a complete spaz on the entire trip up to Starbucks. J countered him by pretending he was a buzzard attacking from above and they pretty much set the tone for the trip.

After some gingerbread latte goodness on my part and eggnog latte on J's part, we proceeded to the park where the kids happily frolicked for half an hour. Lily was obsessed with the 12 foot slide and managed to make about 10 trips down it all by herself. 'Atta girl! J (oh wait, I mean MARLIN!) was certain she would pitch to her death (or possible dismemberment) at any moment but she was fine. I was even able to lure her peacefully back into the stroller with some candy purchased previously in the day during a shopping trip with Lily while J was at Ian's soccer game.

In all, it was a peaceful 2 1/2 hours of our Saturday afternoon in the post nap, pre dinner lull. You just have to love that California sunshine. Three years in Utah was enough for me. It's only 50 in Provo today.

Sickies unite

Last week I had *3* dentist appointments. I have a broken tooth with a cavity that needs a filling and a cracked tooth that needs a crown. Have I mentioned that I have serious dentist phobia as well? Add to this that I'm sick. Blech.

In addtion, Lily has had croup for a week which involved 3 days straight minus sleep and an ER trip to get her well enough to bring home again. She still isn't sleeping well and has a nasty hack to go along with it every time she lays down. Ian is, thankfully, fine at the moment. As is J. But, I AM NOT. My nose is runny and stuffy and I'm coughing and feeling generally icky. Shouldn't mothers get some kind of "get out of sickness free" card or something? Didn't we earn that with pregnancy and birth? Apparently not.

Being sick and being mommy at the same time bites.

Something worth blogging about

1. I have finally mastered pushing the jogging stroller one handed and drinking from the Starbucks cup with the other at the same time. It is a momentous occasion.

2. I had a happy surprise tonight. My pants have been getting looser, I knew that. This was, at least in part, due to the aforementioned jogging stroller and regular walking. The scale broke this week and I bought the wrong batteries so I couldn't weigh myself. So, I dragged out the tape measure and I have lost *2* inches across my hips. And not two "sucking it in and holding my breath inches" but 2 "breathing normally and holding the tape loosely" inches.

Talk about a banner day.

Been thinking about this for a while

I think I need some catharsis in my life. Maybe this will help?

It's funny how when you're young you have all these clear ideas about what you want to do and what you plan to accomplish and who you are. Then one day you wake up and everything is different than you thought it would be. Not bad, necessarily, just not neatly lined up according to that "plan" you had.

I stop to think about where I am and how I got here and it seems like I'm not even sure how I ended up here. I have a great husband and a nice family. I have two kids (a boy and a girl--how DID I manage that?) who seem to actually like each other and me fairly well.

I was pondering the other day the fact that the number of people that I know who are in happy marriages seems to be vastly outnumbered by the number of those who aren't. Even J's parents spent most of their lives in an uneasy truce. I guess J and I have been awfully fortunate. It seems sort of out of fashion to like the person you're married to lately.

Just got a phone call from my MIL. She's wanting to brave her "driving on the freeway" fear to come down and spend time with the grandkids. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Never in a million years would I have expected that. I mean, I think she has a real phobia of the freeway. It was a nice surprise even if it doesn't end up panning out.