Feelings of loss

I got a Christmas gift in the mail yesterday. It was a cookbook from the company I bought Ian's curriculum from this year. The curriculum that I'm not using now because he's going to the local parochial school. I'm not sure why, but I have these unresolved feelings of loss over not schooling him at home. I don't think they are so much related to the actual schooling itself as much as they are representative of a larger issue of mine that has to do with my feelings of inadequacy as a mother.

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog, "If you aren't frustrated with your children, are you really experiencing them?" I"m paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I had these ideas that I would be so happy all the time to be a mother and that I would truly enjoy my time with my kids and that I wouldn't feel angry/exasperated/frustrated with them and myself most of the time. Being a parent is really hard but I think being a SAHM is the hardest assignment in the lot sometimes. We moved recently and while I'm not exactly isolated overall since J's parents and grandparents and my mom are close by, I am isolated from my peers meaning that I don't actually have any, or at least not any that I know or see on a regular basis or have as a friend. I think I need to work on this issue but overcoming the inertia of the mundane tasks which seem to eclipse anything I might actually like to do is overwhelming. That sounds like an excuse, I know. It's so much easier to mope about it, I guess.