Commentary from the man

J's response to the drug dealer bust, "Well, that's 21 less dealers at the station."

News from the 'hood

Last week, the police busted *21* drug dealers at the closest light rail station. That freaked me out a bit considering I've never given it a 2nd thought to walk over there with the kids. Apparently, they had been running a sting operation there because they were having too difficult a time finding some kind of permanent address for the alleged dealers. It's just strange because this isn't right next to our neighborhood but it's only about 4-5 blocks away. Still, the truth is that I feel WAY more comfortable over here in this normal neighborhood than I did in the corporate ghetto on the other side of the freeway or in the 500K DINK housing in the south area.

In other news, I now have a new Powerbook (thank you USAA Insurance Company). It's so pretty and fast and shiny and the keys are so springy.

J owes me big time for today. I took both kids shoe shopping. Talk about nightmarish torture. I always forget how awful this kind of outing can be for the parent. Lily wailed and shrieked for most of the time we were in Target. Thankfully, I had brought snacks so I was able to keep her distracted while in Mervyn's (where, thank the Lord, we actually found Ian some shoes that he liked and that fit). He is the pickiest kid I know. He has some sort of incoherent ideal about exactly how his shoes should fit and look and which he is unable to clearly articulate to me. The shopping mostly consists of "no, Mom, they're ugly" or "no, Mom, they'll make my feet look too big" or just plain old "EWWWWW!" This issue coupled with the stringent restrictions on what he can wear with his uniform conspire to drive a parent mad. Seriously, I feel half insane now. And do you know how few shoes you can buy that are only black, white, navy, or brown or some combination thereof? There's always some stupid dash of color somewhere to foil us from getting the hell out of the store sooner. I think the shoe companies do it on purpose. They're out to get me.

Whew!

This was one of those days that I thought was going to be awful but turned out to be okay after all.

I'm in a weird place in my relationship with my mother. Things were really good between us for a while. Then my sister had one of her "crisis" moments and threw everyone's life into dishevelment and chaos. So, my mom has been acting weird and secretive and generally odd and has blown me and the kids off a number of times in the last two weeks. She was supposed to come over today and ended up not coming. It wasn't a big surprise but it was an enormous relief for me and I feel ashamed of myself that I'd think that at all. I've been feeling so crappy with these headaches and it always seems to send my normal bitchiness to the nth degree. And really, it's the same old song. I'm the reliable one who will be nice even I am the one who gets dumped on or ignored or let down. I know it won't make a difference if I get mad and things between us are hideously complicated by the fact that I'm also a mother now. I do have some idea of what it must be like to have a wayward PITA child who sucks the life out of you. I don't know exactly, but I can extrapolate from the bit of parenting experience I have under my belt. It's hard to stay mad when you can at least imagine the trauma someone else is dealing with.

Anyhow, the day started out terribly. Lily wandered into our bedroom before six a.m. and proceeded to squirm and pinch and annoy me to death. I can think of few things I like less than waking up with a kid poking at me. I suppose that fact alone is enough to have my mom card revoked. Still, it's the truth. She spent all morning whining and generally just crabby and out of sorts. She has that special, intractable 2 year old thing going on. And her voice hits that pitch that makes me think that my idea of eBay adoptions isn't so far off the mark.

Thankfully, the sun came out and warmed everything up and she woke up in a really good mood from her nap. We packed up and went to the park and played on the swings. We picked Ian up from school and he was in a good mood as well. Everyone was still happy when we went to pick up J at 4:45. That is a nearly miraculous achievement. It's a rare day that *somebody* isn't in a bad mood when we pick him up. We had some dicey moments during the setting of the table but we recovered and they're in bed and (hopefully) sleeping.

And did I mention I'm getting a new Powerbook tomorrow?

Indeed, I am. The one I have now got dropped during the move and the bezel and case are slightly mangled. We were wise enough to buy a floater policy (for $15 a month) just to cover the computers. This one got dropped once before and they paid the $400 to fix it. The damage this time is only that much less than replacement so I GET A NEW ONE! I've never ever had my own new computer. Things are good.

Things are better

It was a nice weekend. The kids were well behaved and the sun was out and life was good. We visited J's parents and grandparents for dinner on Sunday and we had fun chatting with everyone.

The headaches seem to be gone as mysteriously as they came.

There's good news and bad news

The good news is that the nerve block on Friday helped some. The headache isn't gone but it's better than it was. It was gone for a while but it seems to ebb and flow. I've been sleeping really badly since Tuesday when we decided to try and wean me off the heart meds and lower the tricyclic dose. Last night, I went back to the original dose of the tricyclic and my sleep was a lot better. The bad news is that it made me really tired all day and I ended up taking a 3 hour nap (thank goodness J was home). I guess it's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. The neurologist is concerned about my neck pain and thinks it's really contributing to the head pain so he gave me some a muscle relaxant to try at night but it's been ineffective. He was concerned it would really sedate me but it did just about nothing. ::sigh::

Why won't these things go away?

My head hurts

The nerve block wore off and it's be getting increasingly worse all day. I finally laid down in the dark for a while when J got home and that seemed to help for a bit but it's still going strong. Thankfully, tomorrow is not Saturday, so I'll be able to get in to see the dr and hopefully the next shot with the cortisone will do the trick.

I really hope so.

The good news is that I actually remembered to pick Ian up on time today. That was a small miracle in and of itself.

And now for the good news...

I am feeling much better tonight. My appointment with the neurologist went very well. He really is a very kind doctor which, sadly, isn't something that I've found too often in the various physicians that I've met with over the past few years. He asked me to try a procedure called a nerve block where he gave me a shot of lidocaine in the back of my head to try and determine if the headache was vascular or nerve related. I got a lot of relief almost immediately. So, it appears that the endless headaches may actually be occipital neuralgia. It doesn't preclude the possibility of migraines as well, but is something that is more readily treatable. The next time it gets bad, I'll be going in for another shot of lidocaine and cortisone which should give me more long lasting relief. I'm also going to wean off the heart meds and bump the dose back on the nortriptylene which should eliminate most of the side effects that are currently taking there toll. And we'll add in a sustained release antiinflammatory drug which sould keep things under control most of the time. So, I have some hope that I'll have some changes for the better soon.

Oh, and our new insurance is so much better than our last one. My new prescription was $100 dollars but I only had to pay $5 out of pocket. What an improvement.

S

Something's always wrong

I was thinking to myself the other night that we all need to worry a little bit more about the big questions in life. For instance, what if aliens come to our planet and steal all the beer and pizza and coffee? THAT would be a disaster.

I'm having a hard time holding it together right now. This last bout of headaches really did a number on my psyche. I've been a crying wreck this morning even sans a headache. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of another one and that I've been betrayed by my body, victimized by this unnamed (and nearly unmanageable, it seems) disease. There is all this anxiety and anger swirling around in my head and everything seems to make me irate and outraged lately. I'm feeling constantly overtired and irritable and I don't like being myself right now. J made a mean comment to me out of frustration of his own inability to help me deal with this issue and now he feels terrible too. The drugs are helping with my sleep issues but they mess with a lot of other aspects of my body that leave me feeling sort of violated and abused. I have an appointment with the neurologist today and I have a lot to discuss with him.

My brother (one of my favorite people in the world) is having some problems that are dragging him down. Thankfully, he's dealing with it in a constructive and positive manner and I'm so proud of him for being so responsible and mature.

In other news, I splurged and bought myself a new diaper/handbag to celebrate our return to real life. J just got a permanent consulting job which is really helping with our benefits and medical costs.

Stay FAR FAR away from Ikea. We didn't even get off the freeway because it was backed up for miles in both directions and the parking lot was already full.

What makes it a bribe?

My MIL called yesterday to tell me that she's got some kind of stomach flu. So, my break from the kids this weekend is off. And not only that, it's going to make it hard for J and I to meet our volunteer hours for Ian's school. We were both supposed to work at the school today and that would have given us 8 hours and taken the stress off of meeting our obligation for the year. Obviously, she didn't want to be sick but MAN, I was really looking forward to some time alone with J sans the small people.

Instead of some quiet time, I took both kids shopping for groceries. I think I bribed them. Ian was my coupon helper. He carried them and helped me find all the things we needed. And we bought *4* kinds of chips. They each got a bag of Cheetos (Ian went with FLAMING hot and Lily chose regular) as promised for their cooperation. If you promise it ahead of time, is it a bribe or an incentive. It's been a while since I've taken them both to Winco by myself and they were really good but it is EXHAUSTING keeping them busy and from wrecking everything in their wake. Oh and then with the bagging all the groceries myself while doing that. Now I remember why I always bring J to run interference. I can manage just one of them fine but both requires all my multitasking skills.

J wants to go over to the new IKEA store when he gets back from the school. I'm hoping that I'll be able to find some white cereal bowls to replace the plastic abominations that we're currently using.

I think I need a nap.

Day 9

Yep, nine days of migraine. I tried the new steroid stuff and it was pretty much no help. I just left a message for the neurologist so hopefully I'll hear back and he'll have a perfect solution to end this round. Worst case scenario in the last 4 years is 21 days. That could mean I'm halfway through it. I hope so.

Denial and depression

I've been having migraines again. It started at the tail end of Lily's bout of pneumonia and it's been going on 6 days now. I'm trying to keep busy and take my mind off of it but that only works for so long. Then it all sort of gangs up upon me and I feel like I've been run down by a steamroller.

It's so depressing and it feels so unmanageable that I don't even want to mention it to anyone because what can they say? It sucks to have headaches that sometimes last 11 days at a time? Yeah, we've covered that at some point in the last 5 years. It will go away eventually. Yeah, well, I'm also going to die some day but I prefer not to dwell on that issue either.

I hate this.

On sleep and poison

I think she's nearly better. We've had two nights in a row of decent sleep for all involved and the nasty hack seems to be gone. She's still awfully tired and crabby but we will take what we can get. I'm so relieved that she isn't getting worse. I always forget how scary it is for little people to be that sick after they've been well for a while.

About the poison. Nerium oleander is poisonous. I knew that but I didn't know HOW poisonous. According to a study at UC Davis, *one* leaf is enough to kill a child Lily's age. I thought they'd just give her a tummy ache. Boy howdy, was I wrong. So, now I need to ask our landlord if it's ok to dig up the enormous one in the backyard that I just pruned. The one in the front doesn't worry me since she'll never be out there unless I'm there to supervise her. But in the backyard, it would be easy enough for her to slip over and munch on them. And she is the kid who would do it. She may be 2 1/2 but she still regularly consumes legos/rocks/interesting bits of paper/snacks she's stashed around the house for later/grass and the occasional weed. I really need to take the samples from the berried trees over to the nursery and confirm that they are elderberries or Oregon grape and not something else that's poisonous. I'm about 80% sure they're elderberries, which would be cool because then I could use them for jam and other interesting things. If they are poisonous, she's never going to be out in the yard again without being attached to me.

::sigh:: I never had to worry about these things with Ian. He's suspicious of everything.

S

About being tired

Have I whined about that recently? It's so bad that I'm having trouble seeing straight. Literally, everything is kind of out of focus and blurry and I definitely should not be driving a car. I haven't been this tired since last winter's ear infection marathon with Lily. My little girl is really good at the spectacular and life eclipsing sicknesses. Of course, neither one of them does anything half way.

This kid didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time last night. She had a bad day yesterday and wouldn't drink much of anything which freaked me out. She's doing better this morning. She's had a popsicle and some grapes and chips and apple juice. I think that's a good sign.

4 a.m. barfathon

Lily seems to be improving slowly. The good news is that her fever is way down and she's reasonably comfortable. The bad news is that she's still miserable at night. J was up with her a midnight and then around 4:30 a.m. I heard her choking and coughing and throwing up. She was pretty freaked out by it. The nicest part (read actually really horrible) was that when I picked her up, she threw up all over again on me. Blech.

The weather is supposed to be nice today, they're predicting a high of 67. I'm hoping that it really will get up there and I'll be able to take her out for a nice long walk in the sunshine before we go pick Ian up.

My poor sick wee bairn

Lily has pneumonia.

She's been sick off and on since the mold problem in our apartment but she woke up today with a 104.5 fever. Yep, you read that right. It's not a typo. Neither of the kids has ever had a fever that high. Ian's gotten pretty close and Lily has too, but they've never crossed the 104 mark before. She was so hot and red all over and just limp and it was really scary. I took her into the ped. urgent care and they had her do a chest xray to confirm it. She's on antibiotics now and I've got the fever under control with the Motrin and Tylenol so things are ok at the moment. She's sleeping and hopefully will get a few hours rest before I have to give her more fever reducing drugs.

It's going to be a long weekend.

Back from the black

We're moved! And the DSL has finally been provisioned....it was a long 18 days. Things are good (excepting that the kids and I have been sick for the entire time) and we're settling in nicely. I really like our landlord and she's been really great about my wants for gardening. She even brought us some extra pots and fireplace tools. We've met the neighbors on one side and across the street and they're very nice. Ian has schoolmates that live around the corner and I made a friend with their mom. In two weeks, I have met more people than I did in *6* months in that apartment.

J and I whiled away the evenings watching all of Firefly and Serenity. I have a real thing for Malcom now.

Got the keys

The house is even nicer than I remember it. I took my mom over to see it and dragged J over to sign his lines on the lease agreement. Every time I walk inside I feel like I won the lottery. It really is that great.

I'm on borrowed time here. The phone has already been transferred but the internet is still working. Thus, I must spend as many remaining minutes as I can eke out before the 2 week blackout switching the DSL over. How will I live without the Internet for *TWO* weeks? I guess I'll get all unpacked.

Why I love Sears

I ordered my new washer and dryer earlier this week and they marked them down some more yesterday. I called to ask if they'd adjust it for me and VOILA! I am now $70 less in the hole for these wonderful appliances.

Fixed it

It's the reflux again. I don't know why I didn't think of it before now but while I was waiting in the dr's office, it started in with that lovely pain and choking feeling. DING DING DING We have a winner. I feel like my whole life is "better living through chemistry".