Out of the mouths of babes

Overheard in the car on the way to REI today:

"Lily! You can't see germs because they're *MICROSCOPIC*!"

Doing the new fridge dance

J and I finally committed and bought a new refrigerator today. Woo HOO!

The one we have is 16 years old and the water and ice dispenser is broken and one of the shelves just bit the dust this week. It's started making strange and disturbing noises on occasion, as well. So I've done weeks of research and narrowed it down to two models, a side-by-side (which is what we've always had) and a new french door model. Ultimately, we went with the Kenmore Elite Trio with the water dispenser in the door but the ice in the freezer since none of us use ice much anyway. I was a little concerned about losing freezer space but then I noticed that if we need more, you can get a 5 cu. ft. one for $160. I don't think it's really an issue, though.

Interestingly, I was doing some math last night. I cook just about all our meals here at home. If we go out for dinner, we usually end up spending at least $25 or so. Multiply that out by 52 weeks. Voila! There's the money to pay for the new fridge. See, math *is* useful.

Blond haired, blue eyed devil

That's our Lily. I forgot how wretched age three is with kids. Ian was a nightmare at this age and Lily is quickly morphing into a biting, screaming, tantruming, rude little beastie. She's so cute and so evil. She and Ian are devoted to each other and they bicker as though they are the same age. I'm glad they adore each other, though. My brother and I are that way, too.

Poor Ian is sick and feverish. He came home from school yesterday feeling crummy. He briefly perked up this morning but I can see him wilting on the sofa now while watching Star Wars.

Time to head back out to the ivy jungle in the backyard and do some work.

One more load

That's all I have left. I'll be officially caught up on laundry. Sign me up for that Domestic Goddess crown, will ya? I should have made brownies for the washing machine man.

It's fixed!

It works! It works! It works!!!!!

The washing machine man

He's supposed to be here today, sometime between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m. It's 9:10 a.m. now and there's nary a sight of him. If he manages to get this washer fixed today, he will be my favorite person in the whole world. I have somewhere near *8* loads of laundry to do. I have a backup plan, but I'm hoping not to have to use it. It's getting to be a serious drag, schlepping all this dirty laundry around.

Hurry, washing machine man!

The potty train has crashed

I am ready to let this kid go to college in Pampers. I'm not interested in changing *any* more pairs of smeared, stinking underwear. The odd thing is that she was fine the first few days. It's making me nuts, especially coupled with the lack of sleep.

I would like it noted that I managed to make it through the day today sans a nap. I'm feeling about ready to pass out now. Adding insult to injury, we don't have any new Netflix to watch tonight.

So. Very. Tired.

Strange sleeping issues

I'm intermittently having a sleep issue. I'll be ok for 2-3 days and then suddenly, I'll start waking up at three a.m. Nobody should have to see that time on a clock. Really. It's just awful. Then, I end up sleepy and out of sorts all day. It's not a pretty combination.

Yawn.

You know it was a bad dream when

It bugs you all day long. I woke up at some unholy hour from it and I guess I never really got back to sleep. Thus, it's been a funky day. I did manage to get my walk in and the house vacuumed so it wasn't a total waste but I fell asleep while Lily and I were hanging out this afternoon.

Did I mention that I forgot to make sure we had chicken when I put it on the menu for tonight? Yup. No chicken. Such a dork. Instead, we'll be having a delicious supper of tuna sandwiches. It's gourmet night, couldn't you tell?

Other interesting news from the recent past: I am the proud owner of an alarm clock and it plays NPR! There's nothing like waking up to a story about the political woes of the banana king versus the firebrand for leadership in Ecuador.

I managed for *many* years without one at all. In fact, I'm not even sure when I had one last. I think it must have been when we were living in Vancouver when I was still working. That puts it at over 8 years ago since it was definitely pre-Ian. Alas, I tired of waking up at night and never having any idea what time it was or whether I should just get up or try and go back to sleep.

Things I neglected to mention

The bed broke when J sat down on it. Funny if you were me instead of J. It took 3 bolts to fix it. All done now.

I'm down a size after working my butt off (literally) all summer. It was nice to buy smaller pants last week.

There's a big birthday surprise for the kids this year. I can't say what it is since they don't know yet. It's getting harder to not spill the beans every day.

Oh and the washing machine broke. It's been almost 10 days without the washer. They're supposed to be back on Wednesday with the parts to fix it. I certainly hope so. I don't think I can take hauling laundry to my MIL's house anymore. Not when Lily is in the middle of potty training.

The sound of silence

It's an amazing thing. The kids have been at Grandma's for two days. I can't believe the stillness in our house. It's never this quiet, not even when they are asleep.

Today was a busy day. J needed a haircut, the collapsed bed needed fixing, a walk needed to happen and we went out for dinner. And I had to dump out the contents of the kitchen trash can to fish for the lost spring that makes the flippy top do it's flippy thing. I wore gloves, the melon rinds had been in there a while.

Note to self: Chevy's enchiladas suck. They tasted like lasagna made with tortillas. Blech. I should have gone with the ribs (which are my favorite) but I cheaped out at the last minute. The beans and rice and chips and salsa were great.

Additionally note to self: Do not watch Roger and Me by Michael Moore on a night where the house will be quiet and give you time to think. It's too depressing. Battlestar Galactica is a much better choice. I am such a BG junkie now.

About what I said earlier

Yeah, just disregard all that. The natives were restless tonight. But, they are with grandma and grandpa for the weekend!

Conflicted

I just found out that two friends of mine are pregnant with their third children. All my (misplaced, I suppose) baby longings are in full swing. There are so many rational reasons *not* to have another baby. My health, needing a bigger car, future school expenses, my health, J's sanity, Lily's terrible threeness, my health, etc. Somehow none of that seems to really stack up against those baby pangs.

Did I mention Lily is potty training? For the first time in seven years, I won't need to carry a diaper bag soon. I won't need my baby carriers or the crib up at J's parent's house. She seems so big all of a sudden (aside from the fact that she *is* Amazongirl) and grown up. She's the same age Ian was when we were trying for her.

Am I insane to even mentally contemplate this?

The birthday bash week is fast approaching. Lily will be three on November 2nd and Ian will be seven on October 29th. Maybe we could squeeze in a Halloween baby in between them, eh? It must be the happy pills talking.

6 hours of cleaning later...

J was in the same state I was with my inflammatory post about J's parents and the church and the grandparents. I, however, am feeling quite reasonable about the whole situation now.

My mom came up with us on Saturday and she sat and chatted with J's grandma while J and I scrubbed floors and bathrooms and vacuumed and cleaned the upstairs carpets and washed windows. And really it was more like 12 hours of cleaning since it was both of us working full tilt for hours. It was a serious day of work.

I am now convinced that I will NEVER want a house bigger than our cute little 1200 sq. ft., 3 bed, 2 bath ranch that we're renting. I think I literally blocked out of my mind how long it takes to keep a 3000 sq. ft. house clean. I mean, we never had more than 2000 or so sq. ft. personally, but holy cow! The good news is that it's mostly cleaned up now and J's grandparents are very pleased.

J and my mom had an interesting viewpoint on my time spent up there every week. They said that perhaps no one else was stepping up to the plate because I'm there. Then again, SOMEBODY needs to be. When I was up there Wednesday, J's grandad's blood pressure was really low and he had been on the phone with the doctor and I was worried about leaving them at all. Mom also had a good suggestion regarding the laundry situation. Our little frontloader, AIO machine is sitting at J's parent's house right now. I'm going to ask J's grandma if she'd like us to bring it over so she won't have to try to manage the stairs.

Calmer now

I think part of what set me off today was that a friend connected the new Sacramento Temple's Rancho Cordova address with ours. She asked me to go see it for her. This, coupled with my MILs insistent invitations and the general "you're a reactivation project" vibe, I think has rubbed me a bit raw. Not that my friend would have ever intended it that way. I know she never would do that.

But, still the temple experience was a bit too "emperor's new clothes" and that has stuck with me for the past several years. Somehow, the temple also cemented itself in my head as an iconic image of the exclusivity in attendance and barrier between it's members and non-member relatives.

My secret religious views smack of anger and discontent and disillusionment with established religions in general. I don't think that religion is here for God. I think that it's here for us to find our way back and that different roads lead to that same place and that our differences (and similarities) are what shapes the path we choose. Whenever I heat the "God is bound by these laws" stuff, I'm always amazed that an omnipotent being would be so preoccupied about the details.

I guess I'm not cut out for this religion stuff.

I just want to scream

Every Wednesday, I drive an hour to spend the day with J's grandparents. The kids come with and generally have a great time. We drive another hour home and usually get back just in time to make dinner before J gets home.

I love J's grandparents and they need company badly. They are both over 80 and J's grandma is nearly blind and J's grandad can hardly make it up the stairs because he's so winded from his emphysema. Every week, I bring them some kind of baked yummy and I make lunch for everyone. It's an amazing opportunity that Ian and Lily have to spend time with them and it's really important to me that we do it.

The last few weeks, I've been noticing a downward trend in both of them. They're having a very difficult time keeping up with the house work and meals and it's worrying to me. Of course, I'm the only person who would notice since I'm the only person who visits them. Nevermind the fact that one of their sons lives the next driveway down and J's dad is 20 minutes away. I won't even get into that can of worms. It makes my blood pressure skyrocket just thinking about it. The thing that worries me most is that they feel abandoned but they're too proud to ask for the help that isn't being offered.

They joined the LDS church a year or so after J's parents joined and they all attend the same ward. J's dad is the executive secretary and J's mom teaches in primary. Every single minute that doesn't go towards work goes to the church. They share the same bishop, yet this problem continues on unaddressed. It makes me so angry to see that and to know how much it's hurting J's grandparents. J and I felt that we had to make a choice between leaving the church and serving our families. At every turn, we faced this kind of problem in Utah and we knew that it wouldn't be any better if we kept with it here. People SAY that the church is all about family but the personal nature of this and the experiences that we've gone through ourselves says something very different. I'm sure that this problem exists in every church but my experience is limited to Catholicism and the LDS church.

I have to stop now and tell J about it.

Divorce

J and I lost touch with some friends of ours while we were at BYU. We knew this couple fairly well back in the Intel days and we saw them socially fairly often until Alex decided to leave Intel and go back to school to pursue his PhD. Alex and Bethany were our "stable" married friends. Shortly after Alex and Bethany moved to Chicago, we moved to Utah and thus the huge 4 year gap since we had been in touch. J tracked Alex down via email and Alex called last night to say hi.

They divorced in December 2005.

I feel so sad about this. Up until this point, we haven't had any of our contemporaries go through this. J even warned me not to expect them to still be together. He reminded me that the statistics are 50/50 for most marriages.

I still feel stunned. And sad. Really sad. I mean, it could be us, right? Except that obviously it isn't us. They didn't have any children, so I suppose that's good? I just can't imagine no J in my life. At this moment, I have been his significant other for HALF of my life. We started dating when I was 15 and got married when I was 18. We've been through 12 years of marriage and two children together. He really is my other half. No J would be like no air, no heart beat, no nothing.

Ow Ow Ow

Ugh. My neck and head are killing me today.

I stayed up too late (which has become an epidemic problem lately) and I'm over tired and half asleep and super groggy and dizzy. I haven't made it out for our walk yet and I'm still in my pajamas which is extremely unlike me. I'm usually a "get dressed and get cracking" kind of girl. Sitting around in my jammies usually makes me feel depressed.

16 days until Ian goes back to school. We got all his school shopping done and he is armed with uniforms, and a backpack and new school shoes. I'm still having mixed feelings about it but it seems less freaky now that we've gotten that all out of the way. I think it eliminated the anxiety I was having over getting that task completed.

I need to get up and moving. I have to go to get milk and I need to take my walk. Getting....up....now.

Intuition or Paranoia?

I have this feeling. It's really bothering me. I couldn't say *why* I have this feeling. There isn't any reason for me to feel this way.

Yesterday, J and I worked over at Ian's school for the "before school opens" work party. We weeded and dug and hauled bark and weed whacked (is that even a word?). At one point, Ian's soccer coach asked me how I felt about Ian's first year. This horrible feeling of dread/anxiety/stress about knocked me over. I'm worried about sending him back to school. I don't know why and that part is bugging me. I know his teacher and I like and trust her. In fact, I know most of the staff and they're all very talented and compassionate individuals.

But, there is this kid. He was in Ian's class at the beginning of the year before we moved him into the kindergarten class. He was sort of outside the realm of normal, IMO. He demanded that Ian give him some of his lunch and just generally took advantage of him. Ian thought that was what "friends" do. It's not and the teacher addressed it but there were a few other instances that left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

I've just got a bad feeling about this and I can't seem to shrug it off. And maybe it's not really about this at all. Maybe it's really because I've had such a nice summer with Ian and Lily and that it's 17 days until he goes back. Maybe. Maybe not.

Dropped the ball...

...and then it rolled under the table and Lily picked it up and ran off with it and I discovered it many days later hidden in her shoe.

What's that ball, you ask? That would be my dedication to blogging lately. Not sure quite how I got off track but I'm veering back on course as of, well, now.

Ironically, it's been an extremely pleasant summer thus far wherein I have discovered that I actually like my kids. I'm feel sort of sad and weepy over the idea that Ian goes back to school in less than 3 weeks. Of course, ask me again, in 3 weeks, and my answer might be different. Lily will be home for two more years before she meets the entrance age at the transitional kindergarten at the parochial school that Ian attends.

It's amazing what a difference a year can make with a toddler morphing into a preschooler. Lily isn't nearly as obnoxious as she used to be even though she's the 2.5 yo blonde Amazon at the park. She's wearing 4T clothes now. Ian wore 4T when he finished school in June. He's 6 and a half! They were getting snug, but you get the idea. They're 4 years apart but I get asked if they're twins a LOT. Perhaps it is the harried expression up on my face? They do bicker like they could be twins. But they're also really devoted to each other which just makes my heart happy. Ian will take time to build a huge train track for her and read her stories. And Lily will play any game Ian suggests even if they all eventually devolve into "scream and chase". They're good kids and life is good right now.

Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging. Nothing to complain about.